So I’ve been trying to get into this a little bit more, and in the beginning I figured I would just write when I want. If I wanted to write two days in a row then I would, if I wanted to write once a month then I would. I was also just doing it, just to write and get it out there whether someone read it or not it didn’t really matter to me. I figured maybe eventually someone would read something or maybe no one ever would. I was just writing to write, and to help get my feelings off of my chest and onto something else. I still plan to do these things, as well as writing short stories and possibly longer stories as well. I want to share my travels, my struggles, my excitements, my interests, and of course random stories I’ve created. I was really worried at first the thought of other people actually reading my stuff, even if it was just random blogs about nothing. I normally wouldn’t even let my family read anything I’ve creatively written or even how I’m feeling or what I’m struggling with. I am not exactly sure when it started, but expressing myself became very hard for me. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about anything, and especially my family. Which is weird because I consider my family pretty close, and especially my siblings. My siblings became closer the older they got as well seeing as how there is a 5 to 6 year age gap between us. Even with them though sometimes because of the age gap I never really felt like they could understand certain feelings. I had friends also, but some of them had gone their separate ways or made new friends and I just didn’t feel as close and connected as I used to. Growing up is like that, where you just all grow apart and move on in life, and do your own things.
I think it all started with school in 4th grade when I had to move from my old school where I had all my friends to a new one where I couldn’t make any friends. I kind of became very socially awkward and I have always been very shy, but this enhanced it. I also was made fun of a lot for my hair and speech impediment, I mean most kids are usually bullied so it just kind of happens. Anyways making friends was always hard for me just because I was super shy and incredibly socially awkward. So I never really made new friends and I desperately wanted to go back to my old school where I actually felt comfortable. It also didn’t help that I had to be called out to go work on my speech impediment and a lot of kids didn’t find that “cool”. It also doesn’t help as well when you’re forced to read to accumulate so many points, and when you try to read certain things your teacher tells you that you are too stupid to read that book. I never had a lot of people believe in me, at least that’s what it felt like. Teachers never seemed to believe in me, my dad never thought I was using my full potential and on top of that didn’t live up to his expectations. I also had a teacher, while I was in high school, email my mother to ask me if I really wrote something for her class because it was too good to actually be mine. She thought my mother wrote it for me and that I had nothing to do with it. My mom was really upset when she got that email and sent her a lovely email back. She never really said anything else after that, but it was awkward. Since my parents are divorced and I lived with my mom primarily that’s who I am closest with, but because I was put down so much I never wanted to share the things I have created or express my feelings. My dad always wanted me to be something I just wasn’t my whole time growing up. I also got put down a lot about my weight from my own father, which I think makes it even worse. When I look back at those times, I wasn’t even considered heavy, and I was still put down for how I looked. I also got overlooked by most guys if I was ever with my friends. I was truly that one friend where the guys would come up to, and then ask about your best friend. It get’s annoying a lot of them time, and honestly half the time I would just tell them to talk to her themselves. That’s not what I am here for, for you to get with my friend or learn more about her through me, do it yourself.
When I was in High School is probably when I was my most creative. I would read and write all the time, I taught myself how to do HTML and was very interested in graphic design. I took classes in High School to learn graphic design and also a web design class as well. It was all very easy for me since I had so much time to just sit around and teach these things to myself. This is also back when all of this stuff was just starting to be come slightly popular. I also took a creative writing class as well when I realized how much I loved writing and wanted to be challenged. These were all things I wanted to continue with once I got out of High School, but of course life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. I have always hated school, because I feel like school is completely just based off of testing and I hate testing, I am really bad at testing. I am much better at showing you and proving you hands on the I know how to do something, than you quizzing me on it. After high school though I really didn’t want to continue school because the College I was going to ended up just being another high school. I also was dating a guy who had joined the military and the more I talked to him about the military the more I thought it was for me, so I joined as well. So I went to basic training and to my AIT (Advanced Individual Training) school and it was a great experience and I would totally do it again if it only lasted for the 6 months and didn’t have to stay in the military. While I was in training my boyfriend got deployed to Afghanistan and it honestly helped take my mind off of his being gone. It was hard sitting around back home always constantly missing and wanting to be with the person you cared for, because that’s all you would think about. Unfortunately after coming home from training things started to go downhill. I got married like the stupid young person I was, while even having multiple signs before hand of a very not healthy relationship. It got worse as he came back from deployment and became more and more abusive. I tried to go back to school for something completely different from graphic design or any creative thing I had wanted before. I tried to go back for Veterinary Technician, and that didn’t work out because my relationship was falling apart. I really think this relationship is what ruined me the most, because after you’ve been told pretty much your whole life you’re not smart, pretty, or what someone wanted you to be, you kind of start to believe it. Especially when the person who is supposed to love you and always be there for you says the exact same things to you as well. You really start to feel as worthless as these people say you are. You kind of start to lose feeling, and emotions and happiness all together, and you just kind of want to crumble. I started to realize that I shouldn’t be treated this way, and I don’t want to be treated this way, and luckily I had a supporting family that I lived close to still who could help me get out of this. I decided enough was enough and told him I wanted a divorce and I couldn’t keep feeling like crap. There’s a lot more details into this of course, and it felt like it almost came to a mutual end except for the parts where he refused to show up to court to sign the papers to finalize everything. It also doesn’t help when this person tells everyone how happy they are you are out of their life because you got “fat”. Anyways, being away from that and out of that I slipped into a good depression and didn’t work or go to school for almost two years.
Luckily during those two years I was with family, and I still had a semi support system and wasn’t completely alone. I lost a ton of weight, not by choice, and slowly started to get myself back up onto my feet. I finally found a job and was starting to become happy again, found motivation, and started being alright with the fact that I didn’t have or need a guy in my life. I later found a great guy, who ended up being one of my co workers, and still to this day three years later are together. I am still not completely where I want to be in my life, and of course I am much older now so I feel even more down with the fact I am not where I want to be. It’s a lot of improvement though because I moved out-of-state, and I am making it on my own completely and that’s a huge step for me. This is why I started a blog though, and I am starting up hobbies I have always loved. I even made a YouTube channel with my significant other because we wanted to share our experiences of where we live with the world. I know everyone now days seems to have a YouTube channel, and I am ok with that because I watch a lot of people’s channels as well. I don’t care about it becoming popular, or how many viewers or subscribers I have because I am just doing what I love. Same with blogging for the most part, I do want people to see my stuff and I do want people to enjoy what I write. I also want feed back and criticism, and I kind of want to know what type of things people want to read about. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I have always wanted to write a book of some sort. So I am in a way starting over again, and I am getting back into my creative side. I am trying to get back into writing and slowly coming up with things to write about. Even if it is just blogs for now, I will hopefully start having more stories whether they be short, or turn into novels. As long as I have started, no matter how small it might be, at least I am doing it.
I have gotten myself up, and dusted myself up, and am trying to make myself happy again, and trying to achieve what I have always wanted to achieve. I am actually publishing things and having other people read them and not holding back. It may take a while, but I am tired of constantly looking back and saying, “I wish I would have continued doing that, I would probably be where I want to be today if I hadn’t stopped.” No more regrets for me, and technically I shouldn’t have regrets because everything that has happened to me, has shaped me to be who I am today, and who I will become in the future. So here’s to the future, and here’s to the now! Never stop doing what you love, and if you do stop, don’t think you can’t start back up again because you can, and I am here to prove that you can.