A Link Between Darkness and Light

There’s days where I can see the light, and then there are days where everything has gone dark. Even though it may be pitch black I still walk forward because I know there will be a light at some point. That light will eventually lead me on a path, where I will find the bridge that I will cross, and all of my accomplishments will come to a head. I will be shown that pushing forward and struggling has eventually paid off. There is light, there is a path, there is a bridge to cross, and there is a finish line. Everyone’s path is different, just like everyone’s bridge to cross. It doesn’t matter how you got there, it’s just as long as you did.

 

As I was walking along the road, everything around me was blurred. It was dark, and I was cold and alone. I couldn’t see any of my surroundings, and I wasn’t really sure where I was. I kind of just woke up, walking around in the dark, in a daze. Figuring walking was probably better than standing or sitting around. At least I would get somewhere, eventually. There was no sound, not even a gust of wind, it was absolutely still. I was really hoping I was just dreaming, because everything felt so unreal. I tried to look around to see if something, anything, would come into sight. There had to be a way out of here, wherever here was. As I continued to walk, memories started to rush through me. They were all happening to quickly that I  couldn’t make them out. I was hoping I could at least make one out, because then maybe this would help me get out of this place. My head started to throb as the memories kept pounding into my head. I held my head as I continued to walk forward, but it’s getting harder with how much my head is hurting. I fall to the ground holding my head in pain trying to hold back tears, when suddenly they just stop. I slowly remove my hands from my head and look up. In front of me I can finally see a light that is illuminating a bridge. I smile and quickly rise to my feet as I begin to run towards the lighted bridge. “I knew if I just kept walking I would finally make it to an exit or something!,” I thought to myself. As I finally reached the bridge I noticed that there was only light on the bridge. I couldn’t see past the bridge, and I couldn’t see behind me. It was as if the bridge was literally placed in the middle of nowhere, leading nowhere. I slowly walked onto the bridge, reaching out onto the middle to see if maybe I could see past it, but still there was nothing. I was extremely confused, and very disappointed. I thought this was my way out, but it was just an abandoned bridge to mock me. I sighed and looked around me. Still seeing black I figured I might as well just walk over the bridge for laughs and giggles. I have to keep moving forward, even if this was a distraction, it did help the memories from coming. I began walking forward again only to be greeted by a blinding bright light as a stepped off the bridge. I covered my eyes with my arm, allowing myself to adjust to what just happened. It was all so dark, and there was nothing, I saw it with my own eyes, but yet, when I continued walking there was a paradise like no other. I looked behind me to see if the darkness was still there, but I was surrounded by light and beauty. The bridge was next to a waterfall, leading over a river of perfect blue water. There was green everywhere, and the tree’s leaves were gold. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing with my eyes. I was lost, but I kept going, and I am so thankful I kept going because I finally reached what I had been looking for. I finished crossing the bridge, and the moment my feet stepped off the bridge, my memories came to. I could finally remember where I had come from, and where I was going, and it all became so clear. I smiled, took in the sun, and ran to my new paradise. I was happy, and I was finally free.

Being Together Tears Me The Most

The days we used to be together, were the days that were the best. The smiles, games, trips, friends, and parties that we used to share are now forever lost. The memories will continue to stay and sometimes that’s not always a good thing. They can bring a smile to my face, or a tear to my eye, and even though it’s something I should forget, it isn’t so easy. Remembering the good, and remember the bad, sometimes I get so happy and the rest I’ll get so mad. I feel I made the right decision, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true. There are a lot of unanswered questions that may never get answered, but I’ve got to keep going on. Waiting around is not my specialty, I always have to go. Sometimes I feel being together, is what tears me up the most. Being alone isn’t easy, but neither is being with someone as well. You have to pick your battles, and choose what is really worth it. Being together, or floating down your own path. Who knows what truths await?cherry-blossoms

*Stargazer*It’s been a minute

Oh man, sorry guys, it really has been a minute! I got back from my trip in Tokyo last Friday, and have been trying to settle back in with school, work, and life in general. I have been meaning to write, and now I finally have some time I think I will. The trip to Japan was amazing of course, and everything I had always hoped for plus more. It’s the trip I have always dreamed of doing, and never thought I actually would. It definitely wasn’t long enough, but that’s why we will definitely be going back. There are a lot of places I want to travel to, and I can’t to see all these new and wonderful places. The world is huge, so much bigger than we think, and there are so many different cultures to explore! It’s all really exciting when you think about it, and traveling has always been something I have wanted to do. I don’t want a typical life of working everyday and staying home and settling there is too much out there in the world to do that. So Japan was the first start of it, and that already made us want to just skip coming back home and make a life there. It really was fantastic, and even though we just saw Tokyo this time it was really amazing. It’s totally different there, and you never realize how different something is until you experience it. I am already excited to be able to go back and explore more of Japan. We stayed with AirBNB which was awesome, and our hosts were awesome and really helped make the experience even better. I would totally recommend using AirBNB to anyone who hasn’t yet and is traveling to other countries or areas. It really helps make you feel like you’re living there, and you really get the full experience instead of just a hotel. We did the typical tourist things, and there was a lot of walking. That’s basically all it was except for when we were on the train. I got a nice big blister on my pinky toe, but that didn’t stop me! There was also a lot of sweating from the humidity, and I am pretty sure I lost 20 pounds of body weight in sweat. It was so horrible, and after living in the desert for a couple of years now, you really start to notice the humidity more. I mean I was born and raised in humidity, always used to my hair frizzing and puffing, but now that I am used to it not doing that because it’s so dry, it was definitely another experience. I hate when my hair get frizzy and gross, that’s definitely one thing I don’t miss about the humidity. I also didn’t realize my hair was still capable of doing this because I am already used to the dry air where I live. I do miss though being able to breathe and not having to wake up to a stuffy nose every morning. When I am in a humid place I can breath through out the night, the morning and the day. When I am in a desert, I constantly have to blow my nose, use an inhaler, and barely can sleep because my nose is so stuffed. Anyways, we actually had really good sunny days also, a couple of rainy days that ended basically when we left to go explore the areas. So it ended up being pretty perfect, I just wish we had more time. Next time though for sure we will have more time, and it will be even better! I will show some pictures now!

img_5609img_5571img_5659img_5654img_5651img_5637img_5567img_5593img_5599img_5624img_5633

See how awesome everything is! I took lots of pictures, and gained lots of memories, and this has me so ready to travel even more! This was my first big, out of country trip and it has already opened my eyes. I have gone to the Bahamas before, but this was nothing like that. Well that’s that for now, I have to go back to normal life until I travel again. Next trip will be back home, which isn’t a big trip, but that also depends. We are trying to save up for our big trips, and I am hoping to go to Ireland next! We have someone we work with who really wants to go to Ireland, and I think it would be cool to plan a travel trip together, so we will see! For now it is back to life, reality, and school and make sure I keep my grades up and pass all my classes. I got to sit down and focus more on my Japanese, especially since I don’t see it everyday or hear it everyday, so I have to work extra hard at it! So until next time!

Everything Is Starting

Oh man guys, school is tomorrow, and I am just not ready for it. Summer always goes by way too quickly, and I always want to tell myself just take another semester off, but I can’t. Well at least I shouldn’t, I have taken way too many to begin with, hence why I am still trying to get my degree. Besides that though, I am just not ready to have to wake up early, and go to classes. I am not ready for all the homework and big projects. I also know I am taking classes that are going to be leaving me with a lot of projects and I am not excited about that. I am also taking a Japanese class for my language class, and I already know that is going to be so difficult. I did it to myself, but that’s a language I have always wanted to learn, so I know I will be more dedicated to it. I just am not sure how well I am going to do while also having to focus on other classes. I’m already looking forward to break and classes haven’t even started yet. Yea I know, pathetic, ha-ha. On a positive note though a week in a half and I am going on my trip to Tokyo! That is super awesome! I have been looking forward to this forever, and it is finally happening! I just hate that it has to be happening while I am in school so I could look forward to it more. I was so excited for this day to come, but not as excited because I knew that meant school was starting as well. But Japan is coming up, and I am super excited! I just need to get through this week and most of next and then I will be in another country! I am super excited to experience another culture, especially one I love so much, and just soak it all in. This is basically my first real overseas trip to another country and I couldn’t be more excited! Until then though I have been trying to get everything together for the trip and for school. Luckily school is basically done, it’s just a matter of attending class and getting the stupid small stuff I will need. Of course it all costs money and I always feel like there is more and more that needs to be bought. Once I get into the groove of school though I’ll be a little bit better. I am definitely going to miss my freedom, but as long as I get this degree done then I can have as much freedom as I want. Hopefully I finish it, ha-ha, I am usually pretty random and will make decisions based on where I am heading in my life. If I am heading in a good direction where not continuing my degree is possible then I will take that road, if not then I continue to stay here. I haven’t written too much in a while, and I haven’t been able to have very much creativity either. I do have some things typed out on my computer that I just need to continue. I’m trying to make more time for everything, and it definitely is true when people say there is just not enough time in the day. Maybe while I am doing my animation homework and projects I’ll have a huge creativity spark for a story of some sort. We will see! Anyways, I will try to continue to be one here and write even if it is something small, and wish me luck on my first day of classes tomorrow! Until next time!

Bring On The Youth

To explore is to be youthful.

To have fun is to be youthful.

Even though you may feel old, you can still be youthful.

There are many things that can make someone feel young again, and that is a great feeling.

Any type of hobby anyone might have that brings joy to them is bringing youth into their life again.

I always like to try and keep myself youthful, especially as I am getting older, so I make sure to keep the things that make me happy closest to me.

So don’t look at yourself as old and as someone who has lost their youth, because you will always be youthful despite your age, or even how you may look, as long as you keep happiness in your life.

*Stargazer* Keeping Busy

I now have school coming up in a couple of weeks, and I am totally not ready to go back. I just really don’t want to. Summer always goes by to quickly, and a lot of the time I am ready for school. I am excited to going back to having something to do all the time and learning new things, but not this semester. I am ready for my degree to be finished and just done with school, but I keep putting it off. I am also even thinking of changing my degree, which seems to happen a lot. I never know what I really want to do with my degree because I never wanted to work a typical job. I have always wanted nothing more than to travel and experience life while not being tied down, but I never knew what kind of degree that entailed. I don’t think it really does entail one, but the problem is, is that money is still needed to do these things. I have never wanted to be tied down to a job, and I am sure most people don’t like to as well. I have always just wanted to do my own thing on my own time. Experiencing the world of travel is what I definitely want to do, and I am slowly starting that at least. I have a trip to Japan coming up in a few weeks, and this is a good start. The only problem is, is that I have to come back home to reality. I just keep telling myself this is only temporary until I finish my degree and can figure out where we want to go, but it always seems so far away. It also doesn’t help when I think about changing up my degree as well though. I don’t think changing it would affect me to much seeing as how I don’t want to look for a typical job anyways. Having a degree period will help me, despite what it’s in. I don’t know though, it is very complicated and still a hard decision to make.

It also didn’t help when we watched a movie last night, which is called The Way, and it was actually a very good movie. Of course it starts out sad, and it kind of is throughout the whole movie, but it is totally a good movie. Basically a dad walks the Camino de Santiago which is a catholic pilgrimage route to the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in Galicia, Spain. He meets people on the way that are also doing this, and everyone is doing it for their own reasons. I don’t want to spoil the fathers reasons just in case anyone wants to see it. Even though now days you can just look it up on the internet and it will tell you, it may even just be in the trailer, but oh well. Seeing him do that though really makes you want to get out and kind of do the same thing, if you’re into traveling of course. It’s really exciting and all the different people he met and became friends with is just an awesome experience, and that’s something I would like to experience. So yea reasons like that are why I would like to travel, besides learning the different cultures around the world, and of course the food. I love food, and I love to try food, so experience other countries food is a huge bonus.

Anyways I have been so busy trying to plan our trip to Japan and getting everything planned out, tickets bought, and hotels and what not. Then on top of that trying to figure out my classes, buying books, and finding out where my classes are going to be. Making sure I have all the supplies I need basically, plus I have a friend visiting for a couple of days, and my boyfriend has a friend visiting for a few days. Too much going on for my liking sometimes, and it’s all approaching when I will continue to be busy with school work, so I feel like I am not having any personal alone time. I write my blogs at work because I don’t have any other time. I’ve started working out also so I had to add that into my schedule, but that’s a good thing. I am doing really well with it and keeping on track so hopefully I stick with this. I have the motivation and I need to keep reminding myself what the motivation is and why I am doing this. It’s hard to do, but it will get easier and once I start seeing results I think that will help as well. I am excited to see results because I am tired of complaining about my weight, but never doing anything about it. So I finally decided to improve myself and no more complaining. So yea, I have been kind of busy, and all I really want to do is just sit, relax, and watch some shows or even read. Writing at least helps me keep connected to myself at least, and I did write a short story finally after forever of not writing anything creative. Even if it wasn’t anything super awesome, the fact that I wrote something creative after being so absent from it, is awesome to me. Hopefully I can keep this up with school work and everything, then again maybe it will even help my stay focused on it. That’s my life for now though, busy, busy, busy, but super excited for our trip to Japan! I will make sure to post pictures and talk about my trip as well, but I still have a few weeks until then. For now, that’s how the cookie crumbles!

Do apologies really make things better?

Sometimes an apology is what someone needs to be able to move on, and other times it just isn’t even worth it. Some people have a really hard time apologizing while others do it too frequently. Apologizing is a very interesting topic, because some people hate being apologized to, while others always expect it and get super offended when it doesn’t happen. I can say that when I was younger it was always really hard for me to apologize when I did something wrong because I just felt so shamed for it. It’s easier for me to do it now, because I realize the mistake and I want to try to make things better. I hate doing people wrong especially if it was a sincere accident, so I hate it when people can’t take apologizes either.

I kind of have a hard situation that I find myself in, because I had a bad relationship/marriage with someone, and it ended peacefully but not so peacefully. It’s hard to give everyone the full context unless I go into detail of everything, but honestly that’s way too long. To cut to the chase though, basically I have been sitting here for the years that have passed always wondering why, and always hoping for an apology. I’m wondering on my end also if maybe I need to apologize as well, it is a two-way street. We were both in the relationship, and even though it did become mentally and emotionally abusive, I am sure there were things I could have done better as well. I do feel though I deserve an apology, and just like I am not ready to apologize and honestly probably wont be until they apologize, I am wondering if it will even make a difference. Will it really make me feel better? Will it really allow me to finally forgive and forget? It sucks because I want to officially move on and stop thinking about past situations, but I find myself having difficulty with this because I never got any true answers. For example, why did things end the way they did? Why was I treated the way I was? Why wasn’t I good enough, and would I have ever really been? Even if I get these answers though, will they really make me feel fulfilled? I guess I won’t really know until it happens, IF it even happens, and then I wonder if it never happens, which I don’t think it will, will I ever move on fully? Do I have to be the bigger person and bring something up and start the conversation? I really don’t even want to see or talk to the person, and if I could move on and forget it would make me so happy. Maybe it wouldn’t make me happy though, it would probably honestly just make things easier.

I have a lot of questions that I want answered and part of me feels like it would really help me, but would it is another question. Everyone is different though, and everyone responds differently when it comes to having to apologize or being the one apologized to. This post actually comes up perfectly for me especially since recently I have been thinking about this a lot lately. There are times when it never crosses my mind and then there are times when that’s all it does. I am trying to find ways to help myself not think about it, but it’s always there in my subconscious. I don’t really know what to do and it really frustrates me, but I wonder if that what it’s like for people who know they need to apologize, but are having a hard time bringing themselves to do it? In the end right now I still end up with unanswered questions, and unanswered questions are hard for me because I always want the answer. I will continue to move forward though as I have been, and maybe someday, I will get an apology or I will just finally accept things the way the are. I am excited for that day, and I wish it could be now, but it’s all a matter of time. It’s unfortunately taking longer than I want it to, but not everything can go my way.

An apology can mean nothing and everything at the same time.