Being Together Tears Me The Most

The days we used to be together, were the days that were the best. The smiles, games, trips, friends, and parties that we used to share are now forever lost. The memories will continue to stay and sometimes that’s not always a good thing. They can bring a smile to my face, or a tear to my eye, and even though it’s something I should forget, it isn’t so easy. Remembering the good, and remember the bad, sometimes I get so happy and the rest I’ll get so mad. I feel I made the right decision, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true. There are a lot of unanswered questions that may never get answered, but I’ve got to keep going on. Waiting around is not my specialty, I always have to go. Sometimes I feel being together, is what tears me up the most. Being alone isn’t easy, but neither is being with someone as well. You have to pick your battles, and choose what is really worth it. Being together, or floating down your own path. Who knows what truths await?cherry-blossoms

How Complicated Is It?

Things in life can be complicated. It may feel like it’s impossible, and there is nothing you can do. There will always be something that walks in front of you, stops you where you’re at, and makes it complicated to pass. There will always be challenges to life, but how you get through them is what determines how complicated something really is.

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Do apologies really make things better?

Sometimes an apology is what someone needs to be able to move on, and other times it just isn’t even worth it. Some people have a really hard time apologizing while others do it too frequently. Apologizing is a very interesting topic, because some people hate being apologized to, while others always expect it and get super offended when it doesn’t happen. I can say that when I was younger it was always really hard for me to apologize when I did something wrong because I just felt so shamed for it. It’s easier for me to do it now, because I realize the mistake and I want to try to make things better. I hate doing people wrong especially if it was a sincere accident, so I hate it when people can’t take apologizes either.

I kind of have a hard situation that I find myself in, because I had a bad relationship/marriage with someone, and it ended peacefully but not so peacefully. It’s hard to give everyone the full context unless I go into detail of everything, but honestly that’s way too long. To cut to the chase though, basically I have been sitting here for the years that have passed always wondering why, and always hoping for an apology. I’m wondering on my end also if maybe I need to apologize as well, it is a two-way street. We were both in the relationship, and even though it did become mentally and emotionally abusive, I am sure there were things I could have done better as well. I do feel though I deserve an apology, and just like I am not ready to apologize and honestly probably wont be until they apologize, I am wondering if it will even make a difference. Will it really make me feel better? Will it really allow me to finally forgive and forget? It sucks because I want to officially move on and stop thinking about past situations, but I find myself having difficulty with this because I never got any true answers. For example, why did things end the way they did? Why was I treated the way I was? Why wasn’t I good enough, and would I have ever really been? Even if I get these answers though, will they really make me feel fulfilled? I guess I won’t really know until it happens, IF it even happens, and then I wonder if it never happens, which I don’t think it will, will I ever move on fully? Do I have to be the bigger person and bring something up and start the conversation? I really don’t even want to see or talk to the person, and if I could move on and forget it would make me so happy. Maybe it wouldn’t make me happy though, it would probably honestly just make things easier.

I have a lot of questions that I want answered and part of me feels like it would really help me, but would it is another question. Everyone is different though, and everyone responds differently when it comes to having to apologize or being the one apologized to. This post actually comes up perfectly for me especially since recently I have been thinking about this a lot lately. There are times when it never crosses my mind and then there are times when that’s all it does. I am trying to find ways to help myself not think about it, but it’s always there in my subconscious. I don’t really know what to do and it really frustrates me, but I wonder if that what it’s like for people who know they need to apologize, but are having a hard time bringing themselves to do it? In the end right now I still end up with unanswered questions, and unanswered questions are hard for me because I always want the answer. I will continue to move forward though as I have been, and maybe someday, I will get an apology or I will just finally accept things the way the are. I am excited for that day, and I wish it could be now, but it’s all a matter of time. It’s unfortunately taking longer than I want it to, but not everything can go my way.

An apology can mean nothing and everything at the same time.

 

Freedom Speaks, But Isn’t Seen

Like the stars I wish for travel, but the wind is what will carry me.

Plenty of times I have wished to be blown away. For that extra push that would help me spread my wings and fly away. I would love to soar, weaving in and out of the gusts of wind that carry me to my next destination.

Life can be that gust of wind for me. I don’t know where I am going, and I don’t care, because I trust the wind. It is invisible, sometimes subtle, other times not, but it always is going somewhere.

So please take me with the next time you come through. I will willingly accept the wind, as it embraces my body. I will become light, and soar with freedom, such as the wind does everyday.

The Storm Inside

“What inside you is making such an impact?” She sit’s in silence as if she never heard a word come from my mouth. I try to ask something else.

“Why do you do these things to yourself?” Still nothing.

“What could be triggering these thoughts that progress? ” Her eyes shift in my direction, and I slightly move in excitement for a possible response. She sighs and moves her eyes back in the direction she was first facing. 

I take a deep breath and look in the opposite direction as her. I feel defeated and it can be heard in my breathing.

“I understand that, there is more than one answer to these questions, and I’m not looking for just response.” I spoke quietly, as if it was almost a whisper. “But at least any response is better than none.” I shift my eyes towards her to see if there is any type of reaction, and of course there was not. Now that I feel completely defeated, I look towards the ground. I stay quiet for a while, and just listen. I listen to the wind as it rustles the leaves on the tree’s. I hear her breathing mixed with mine, and I see the dirt on the ground swirling as the wind sends it to its next destination. I feel like I can almost hear our heart beats tune in sync with each other that’s how silent it is.

I finally hear an intake of breath, and I quickly lift my head up to see if there’s a response about to be said. She hasn’t even moved, so I continue to just sit and listen.

“There’s a storm inside.” She says. It was so soft, and so quiet that I swear it was just another gust of wind passing by. I look in her direction and she is finally looking at me. I look at her in question, begging her to continue.

She doesn’t. She just sits in silence, and I’m left in question. I guess I can take that as I want, and make some assumptions, but in reality, that answer was enough. That was probably the best answer that could be given from someone in her position. So I left it at that, and we continued in silence.

**Stargazer** Life Blog

So I’ve been trying to get into this a little bit more, and in the beginning I figured I would just write when I want. If I wanted to write two days in a row then I would, if I wanted to write once a month then I would. I was also just doing it, just to write and get it out there whether someone read it or not it didn’t really matter to me. I figured maybe eventually someone would read something or maybe no one ever would. I was just writing to write, and to help get my feelings off of my chest and onto something else. I still plan to do these things, as well as writing short stories and possibly longer stories as well. I want to share my travels, my struggles, my excitements, my interests, and of course random stories I’ve created. I was really worried at first the thought of other people actually reading my stuff, even if it was just random blogs about nothing. I normally wouldn’t even let my family read anything I’ve creatively written or even how I’m feeling or what I’m struggling with. I am not exactly sure when it started, but expressing myself became very hard for me. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about anything, and especially my family. Which is weird because I consider my family pretty close, and especially my siblings. My siblings became closer the older they got as well seeing as how there is a 5 to 6 year age gap between us. Even with them though sometimes because of the age gap I never really felt like they could understand certain feelings. I had friends also, but some of them had gone their separate ways or made new friends and I just didn’t feel as close and connected as I used to. Growing up is like that, where you just all grow apart and move on in life, and do your own things.

I think it all started with school in 4th grade when I had to move from my old school where I had all my friends to a new one where I couldn’t make any friends. I kind of became very socially awkward and I have always been very shy, but this enhanced it. I also was made fun of a lot for my hair and speech impediment, I mean most kids are usually bullied so it just kind of happens. Anyways making friends was always hard for me just because I was super shy and incredibly socially awkward. So I never really made new friends and I desperately wanted to go back to my old school where I actually felt comfortable. It also didn’t help that I had to be called out to go work on my speech impediment and a lot of kids didn’t find that “cool”. It also doesn’t help as well when you’re forced to read to accumulate so many points, and when you try to read certain things your teacher tells you that you are too stupid to read that book. I never had a lot of people believe in me, at least that’s what it felt like. Teachers never seemed to believe in me, my dad never thought I was using my full potential and on top of that didn’t live up to his expectations. I also had a teacher, while I was in high school, email my mother to ask me if I really wrote something for her class because it was too good to actually be mine. She thought my mother wrote it for me and that I had nothing to do with it. My mom was really upset when she got that email and sent her a lovely email back. She never really said anything else after that, but it was awkward. Since my parents are divorced and I lived with my mom primarily that’s who I am closest with, but because I was put down so much I never wanted to share the things I have created or express my feelings. My dad always wanted me to be something I just wasn’t my whole time growing up. I also got put down a lot about my weight from my own father, which I think makes it even worse. When I look back at those times, I wasn’t even considered heavy, and I was still put down for how I looked. I also got overlooked by most guys if I was ever with my friends. I was truly that one friend where the guys would come up to, and then ask about your best friend. It get’s annoying a lot of them time, and honestly half the time I would just tell them to talk to her themselves. That’s not what I am here for, for you to get with my friend or learn more about her through me, do it yourself.

When I was in High School is probably when I was my most creative. I would read and write all the time, I taught myself how to do HTML and was very interested in graphic design. I took classes in High School to learn graphic design and also a web design class as well. It was all very easy for me since I had so much time to just sit around and teach these things to myself. This is also back when all of this stuff was just starting to be come slightly popular. I also took a creative writing class as well when I realized how much I loved writing and wanted to be challenged. These were all things I wanted to continue with once I got out of High School, but of course life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. I have always hated school, because I feel like school is completely just based off of testing and I hate testing, I am really bad at testing. I am much better at showing you and proving you hands on the I know how to do something, than you quizzing me on it. After high school though I really didn’t want to continue school because the College I was going to ended up just being another high school. I also was dating a guy who had joined the military and the more I talked to him about the military the more I thought it was for me, so I joined as well. So I went to basic training and to my AIT (Advanced Individual Training) school and it was a great experience and I would totally do it again if it only lasted for the 6 months and didn’t have to stay in the military. While I was in training my boyfriend got deployed to Afghanistan and it honestly helped take my mind off of his being gone. It was hard sitting around back home always constantly missing and wanting to be with the person you cared for, because that’s all you would think about. Unfortunately after coming home from training things started to go downhill. I got married like the stupid young person I was, while even having multiple signs before hand of a very not healthy relationship. It got worse as he came back from deployment and became more and more abusive. I tried to go back to school for something completely different from graphic design or any creative thing I had wanted before. I tried to go back for Veterinary Technician, and that didn’t work out because my relationship was falling apart. I really think this relationship is what ruined me the most, because after you’ve been told pretty much your whole life you’re not smart, pretty, or what someone wanted you to be, you kind of start to believe it. Especially when the person who is supposed to love you and always be there for you says the exact same things to you as well. You really start to feel as worthless as these people say you are. You kind of start to lose feeling, and emotions and happiness all together, and you just kind of want to crumble. I started to realize that I shouldn’t be treated this way, and I don’t want to be treated this way, and luckily I had a supporting family that I lived close to still who could help me get out of this. I decided enough was enough and told him I wanted a divorce and I couldn’t keep feeling like crap. There’s a lot more details into this of course, and it felt like it almost came to a mutual end except for the parts where he refused to show up to court to sign the papers to finalize everything. It also doesn’t help when this person tells everyone how happy they are you are out of their life because you got “fat”. Anyways, being away from that and out of that I slipped into a good depression and didn’t work or go to school for almost two years.

Luckily during those two years I was with family, and I still had a semi support system and wasn’t completely alone. I lost a ton of weight, not by choice, and slowly started to get myself back up onto my feet. I finally found a job and was starting to become happy again, found motivation, and started being alright with the fact that I didn’t have or need a guy in my life. I later found a great guy, who ended up being one of my co workers, and still to this day three years later are together. I am still not completely where I want to be in my life, and of course I am much older now so I feel even more down with the fact I am not where I want to be. It’s a lot of improvement though because I moved out-of-state, and I am making it on my own completely and that’s a huge step for me. This is why I started a blog though, and I am starting up hobbies I have always loved. I even made a YouTube channel with my significant other because we wanted to share our experiences of where we live with the world. I know everyone now days seems to have a YouTube channel, and I am ok with that because I watch a lot of people’s channels as well. I don’t care about it becoming popular, or how many viewers or subscribers I have because I am just doing what I love. Same with blogging for the most part, I do want people to see my stuff and I do want people to enjoy what I write. I also want feed back and criticism, and I kind of want to know what type of things people want to read about. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I have always wanted to write a book of some sort. So I am in a way starting over again, and I am getting back into my creative side. I am trying to get back into writing and slowly coming up with things to write about. Even if it is just blogs for now, I will hopefully start having more stories whether they be short, or turn into novels. As long as I have started, no matter how small it might be, at least I am doing it.

I have gotten myself up, and dusted myself up, and am trying to make myself happy again, and trying to achieve what I have always wanted to achieve. I am actually publishing things and having other people read them and not holding back. It may take a while, but I am tired of constantly looking back and saying, “I wish I would have continued doing that, I would probably be where I want to be today if I hadn’t stopped.” No more regrets for me, and technically I shouldn’t have regrets because everything that has happened to me, has shaped me to be who I am today, and who I will become in the future. So here’s to the future, and here’s to the now! Never stop doing what you love, and if you do stop, don’t think you can’t start back up again because you can, and I am here to prove that you can.

Be My Guest

Guests can sometimes be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the situation and who is the guest. Sometimes people are really excited to have guests, while others not so much. Many people purposefully go out of their way to avoid having planned guests or even sudden guests. Other embrace guests with wide open arms and wants to have as many guests as possible and have them as often as possible. I can kind of lean on the teeter where sometimes I want guest’s and other times not so much. I do like when family and friends visit, and other times I am like, “Eh, not today.” If I am doing too much stuff all the time, the last thing on my mind is having someone over. Other times if I have been disinterested to long or haven’t seen someone in a while I will definitely welcome guests. It’s weird though because sometimes even though you may not want guest’s or certain guests to visit, sometimes you need those guests to visit. It becomes very apparent during and after the visit how important this guest may have been.

One thing that is interesting to me is the fact that, even though we may not want guests of our own, we are constant guests. Guests to this world and earth that come and go. No one knows for how long they stay, some short and some long. We hopefully try to make the most of it while we stay on this land, but to me it seems not everyone gets that chance. This is where the unfortunate guest’s come into play, where you have the one’s you want, and the one’s you don’t. We are all forced to be here, and it could be something wonderful or it could be something absolutely horrible. It’s all in how we see it, and how make things work. Some people are dealt hands that just can’t be worked with, while others are dealt the best of the best. Again though, it is all about how we perceive things, and I know there are times when I perceive things horribly.  I also have moments where things are going in my favor and therefore am having the best time ever. We can all have great lives and we can all be great guests, we just have to find what makes us happy, and what makes it worth it.

As I walk down the long road ahead, it’s clear to me how dark it really is. No sound, no sight, no feeling. It all seems very strange, and yet all so clear. When no one and nothing is around, it seems easier to deal with things that have troubled you, but it also seems very scary. Sometimes isolation can make things so clear to oneself, and other times it can make things worse and appear terrifying. As I continue to walk I start to hear the crunch of leaves that scatter across the ground. I hear the wind whistle through the tree’s and the sound of animals rustling around. I look up at the clear black sky that shows nothing but blinking lights that slowly guide me to where I need to be. I look all around me and at first it seems black, but I slowly start to see, one by one, eyes that glow staring back at me. I start to realize of course I’m not alone, I am in someone else’s territory. This should have been so clear before, but I was so blinded by my own problems, that I never realized what else was out there, besides myself. I stopped walking and stared up at the sky again, and took a deep breath. I let out a sigh of relief, and because of the cold brisk air, I could see that sigh being released from my mouth. “So this is what it’s like to be a guest in a place you don’t belong.”