How Complicated Is It?

Things in life can be complicated. It may feel like it’s impossible, and there is nothing you can do. There will always be something that walks in front of you, stops you where you’re at, and makes it complicated to pass. There will always be challenges to life, but how you get through them is what determines how complicated something really is.

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*Stargazer* Keeping Busy

I now have school coming up in a couple of weeks, and I am totally not ready to go back. I just really don’t want to. Summer always goes by to quickly, and a lot of the time I am ready for school. I am excited to going back to having something to do all the time and learning new things, but not this semester. I am ready for my degree to be finished and just done with school, but I keep putting it off. I am also even thinking of changing my degree, which seems to happen a lot. I never know what I really want to do with my degree because I never wanted to work a typical job. I have always wanted nothing more than to travel and experience life while not being tied down, but I never knew what kind of degree that entailed. I don’t think it really does entail one, but the problem is, is that money is still needed to do these things. I have never wanted to be tied down to a job, and I am sure most people don’t like to as well. I have always just wanted to do my own thing on my own time. Experiencing the world of travel is what I definitely want to do, and I am slowly starting that at least. I have a trip to Japan coming up in a few weeks, and this is a good start. The only problem is, is that I have to come back home to reality. I just keep telling myself this is only temporary until I finish my degree and can figure out where we want to go, but it always seems so far away. It also doesn’t help when I think about changing up my degree as well though. I don’t think changing it would affect me to much seeing as how I don’t want to look for a typical job anyways. Having a degree period will help me, despite what it’s in. I don’t know though, it is very complicated and still a hard decision to make.

It also didn’t help when we watched a movie last night, which is called The Way, and it was actually a very good movie. Of course it starts out sad, and it kind of is throughout the whole movie, but it is totally a good movie. Basically a dad walks the Camino de Santiago which is a catholic pilgrimage route to the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in Galicia, Spain. He meets people on the way that are also doing this, and everyone is doing it for their own reasons. I don’t want to spoil the fathers reasons just in case anyone wants to see it. Even though now days you can just look it up on the internet and it will tell you, it may even just be in the trailer, but oh well. Seeing him do that though really makes you want to get out and kind of do the same thing, if you’re into traveling of course. It’s really exciting and all the different people he met and became friends with is just an awesome experience, and that’s something I would like to experience. So yea reasons like that are why I would like to travel, besides learning the different cultures around the world, and of course the food. I love food, and I love to try food, so experience other countries food is a huge bonus.

Anyways I have been so busy trying to plan our trip to Japan and getting everything planned out, tickets bought, and hotels and what not. Then on top of that trying to figure out my classes, buying books, and finding out where my classes are going to be. Making sure I have all the supplies I need basically, plus I have a friend visiting for a couple of days, and my boyfriend has a friend visiting for a few days. Too much going on for my liking sometimes, and it’s all approaching when I will continue to be busy with school work, so I feel like I am not having any personal alone time. I write my blogs at work because I don’t have any other time. I’ve started working out also so I had to add that into my schedule, but that’s a good thing. I am doing really well with it and keeping on track so hopefully I stick with this. I have the motivation and I need to keep reminding myself what the motivation is and why I am doing this. It’s hard to do, but it will get easier and once I start seeing results I think that will help as well. I am excited to see results because I am tired of complaining about my weight, but never doing anything about it. So I finally decided to improve myself and no more complaining. So yea, I have been kind of busy, and all I really want to do is just sit, relax, and watch some shows or even read. Writing at least helps me keep connected to myself at least, and I did write a short story finally after forever of not writing anything creative. Even if it wasn’t anything super awesome, the fact that I wrote something creative after being so absent from it, is awesome to me. Hopefully I can keep this up with school work and everything, then again maybe it will even help my stay focused on it. That’s my life for now though, busy, busy, busy, but super excited for our trip to Japan! I will make sure to post pictures and talk about my trip as well, but I still have a few weeks until then. For now, that’s how the cookie crumbles!

Short Story: Destination Not Forgotten

The sound of feet are shuffling rapidly, and the people keep coming and going. I almost feel like I am part of my very own time lapse where I am sitting still, and everyone around me is moving quickly. My destination is a mystery because in reality I am just in it for the ride. Wherever I end up, is where I end up. I’m OK with that, because I think it makes things more interesting. My whole life has been filled with people coming and going, just like this train ride I am on right now. People enter, and then people leave when they have arrived at their destination. Some people leave impressions, others not so much. Sometimes it’s just a glimpse of a face, or even a tiny conversation, and others had a huge impact. Some positive, some not so much, but they all leave once they’ve reached their destination. I wonder, as I sit here on this train, with all these thoughts flowing through my mind, where is everyone going. Why was everyone’s destination to leave me, and not stand by my side? I don’t get to ever find that out because I am not living their life. I have to think about it a different way as well. In others eyes I was the person that arrived and then left when I reached my destination as well. Do they think the same thing as me, or is this something that doesn’t even concern them? I’m lost in the thought when I feel a slight bump on my shoulder. Immediately I scooch over as much as I can while muttering “sorry” under my breath. Not even glancing at who or what might have hit me. There is a good amount of space on this seat on the train, but I still continue to be bumped. I finally look slightly and notice someone looking at me. He smiles slightly, while I give him a confused look. In my head I’m thinking, “Do I know you?” as well as, “Please stop touching me.” His face has a look of concern with a slight twinkle of wonder in his eye. He smiles at me, despite my concerned unapproachable face and asks me a question.

“So where are you heading today?”

I stare at him for a second, still looking confused, when I finally realize, this person is really talking to me. He is genuinely asking me a question, where he actually looks like he cares about a response. I look away for a second trying to think up a response as if this was the hardest question anyone has ever asked me.

“Well, anywhere really.” I finally managed to say, and he gives me a look of acceptance.

“That sounds like a fun trip. I feel like that might have to be my next one.” He smiles at me and then looks forward. I stare at him for a second, and then scan the rest of the train. It’s not as busy as it was before, a lot of people have left and a very few remain. I am assuming the last stop is coming near before we are forced off the train. I look at him again, and he is still staring straight forward so I decide to ask him the same question.

“So, what about you? Where are you heading?” He looks at me surprisingly as if he had expected the conversation to go no further. I look away quickly assuming that maybe he didn’t actually want to talk. Maybe that was all the conversation he wanted, and I now have just broken the social vow of just literal small talk.

He looks back at me and smiles, “Oh just here and there, nothing to exciting. I got some errands I need to run, so nothing like you, which sounds like a day full of adventures.” He looked forward again, and his eyes seemed sad. He was forcing a smile and small talk, and I just couldn’t figure out why. I’m not much of a social bird myself, and I never know exactly what to say to keep conversation going, but for some reason with him, I just couldn’t help but pry.

I looked at him with concern, but he continued to not make eye contact. “Where are you really going?” I asked him, clearly seeing right through his words. He looked at me confused and hesitated before he spoke.

“I’m not good at this faking stuff, but I try really hard. It’s really sad when even a complete stranger can see through you huh?” He kind of chuckled and then breathed a deep sigh. The train came to a stop and made the announcement that this was the last stop and everyone had to get off. He looked up suddenly and looked around quickly.

“Oops, I guess I ended up missing my stop.” He laughed slightly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you miss your stop.” I apologized while getting up to leave. “Oh no, it wasn’t you, don’t even apologize. I should probably stay more focused on my surroundings when I try to start up conversations with strangers.” He smiled and got up as well. We both walked out of the train and stopped before we went our separate ways.

“I’m going to visit my sister in the hospital, I just really wanted some distracting time, so thank you for allowing that time for me.” I stood there for a second surprised, but also expecting an answer like that. I could tell by his body movement, and even the tone in his voice there was something more going on. He wasn’t just going on any random trip, it was a trip that was very important to him. At this moment I realized that, that was a moment he needed someone, just as much as I needed someone as well. We both were put on that train, to help the other one out, without even realizing.

“You don’t have to thank me, honestly I should thank you for even starting a conversation. I didn’t know where I was going and now I do.” He looked at me confusingly. “Would you like some company on your walk to the hospital?” He looked surprised and then finally understood what I meant by knowing where my destination was now. He smiled and looked down at the ground, then back up at me.

“I would love that, thank you.”

It’s funny how things happen like this. People being at the right spot, at the right time, when someone needs you most. You never realize you need someone until they pop up out of nowhere, and kind of force themselves into your lives. One little question can bring you a whole new world. That’s what this little train ride did for me. I was planning on leaving and never coming back. I had no one here anymore that needed or wanted me. I had lost everyone and everything, and was on my last train out. Now I have a reason to continue, someone helped me without even knowing, and I helped someone as well. Sometimes not having a destination turns out to be the biggest surprise of your life, and this destination will never be forgotten.

Do apologies really make things better?

Sometimes an apology is what someone needs to be able to move on, and other times it just isn’t even worth it. Some people have a really hard time apologizing while others do it too frequently. Apologizing is a very interesting topic, because some people hate being apologized to, while others always expect it and get super offended when it doesn’t happen. I can say that when I was younger it was always really hard for me to apologize when I did something wrong because I just felt so shamed for it. It’s easier for me to do it now, because I realize the mistake and I want to try to make things better. I hate doing people wrong especially if it was a sincere accident, so I hate it when people can’t take apologizes either.

I kind of have a hard situation that I find myself in, because I had a bad relationship/marriage with someone, and it ended peacefully but not so peacefully. It’s hard to give everyone the full context unless I go into detail of everything, but honestly that’s way too long. To cut to the chase though, basically I have been sitting here for the years that have passed always wondering why, and always hoping for an apology. I’m wondering on my end also if maybe I need to apologize as well, it is a two-way street. We were both in the relationship, and even though it did become mentally and emotionally abusive, I am sure there were things I could have done better as well. I do feel though I deserve an apology, and just like I am not ready to apologize and honestly probably wont be until they apologize, I am wondering if it will even make a difference. Will it really make me feel better? Will it really allow me to finally forgive and forget? It sucks because I want to officially move on and stop thinking about past situations, but I find myself having difficulty with this because I never got any true answers. For example, why did things end the way they did? Why was I treated the way I was? Why wasn’t I good enough, and would I have ever really been? Even if I get these answers though, will they really make me feel fulfilled? I guess I won’t really know until it happens, IF it even happens, and then I wonder if it never happens, which I don’t think it will, will I ever move on fully? Do I have to be the bigger person and bring something up and start the conversation? I really don’t even want to see or talk to the person, and if I could move on and forget it would make me so happy. Maybe it wouldn’t make me happy though, it would probably honestly just make things easier.

I have a lot of questions that I want answered and part of me feels like it would really help me, but would it is another question. Everyone is different though, and everyone responds differently when it comes to having to apologize or being the one apologized to. This post actually comes up perfectly for me especially since recently I have been thinking about this a lot lately. There are times when it never crosses my mind and then there are times when that’s all it does. I am trying to find ways to help myself not think about it, but it’s always there in my subconscious. I don’t really know what to do and it really frustrates me, but I wonder if that what it’s like for people who know they need to apologize, but are having a hard time bringing themselves to do it? In the end right now I still end up with unanswered questions, and unanswered questions are hard for me because I always want the answer. I will continue to move forward though as I have been, and maybe someday, I will get an apology or I will just finally accept things the way the are. I am excited for that day, and I wish it could be now, but it’s all a matter of time. It’s unfortunately taking longer than I want it to, but not everything can go my way.

An apology can mean nothing and everything at the same time.

 

Freedom Speaks, But Isn’t Seen

Like the stars I wish for travel, but the wind is what will carry me.

Plenty of times I have wished to be blown away. For that extra push that would help me spread my wings and fly away. I would love to soar, weaving in and out of the gusts of wind that carry me to my next destination.

Life can be that gust of wind for me. I don’t know where I am going, and I don’t care, because I trust the wind. It is invisible, sometimes subtle, other times not, but it always is going somewhere.

So please take me with the next time you come through. I will willingly accept the wind, as it embraces my body. I will become light, and soar with freedom, such as the wind does everyday.

*Stargazer* Vacation

So I haven’t posted anything in a while just because I had been busy getting stuff ready to go back and visit family. I was going to try to post something before I left and then while I was on vacation back home, but I got too busy and just didn’t end up doing it. I am back now though from visiting the good ol Illinois. Of course the first two days we are there it’s under heat advisory because the humidity is just horrible. It was so bad, and sleeping at night was even worse. We even went to Six Flags on Friday, and it was fun, and it wasn’t as bad as the day before, but it was still horrible. Sweating the whole time, and just sticky, it was so nice to take a shower. Six flags Great America was fun though for the most part before getting into an argument with my partner and siblings. It’s always great visiting family, and I love visiting my mom, dad, step parents, and grandma because they are adults and act like adults. My siblings on the other hand can be very dramatic and can cause problems for no reason. Besides that normally we get along just fine, and we have always been super close. Obviously we are each growing up and kind of going our own ways. I moved away though, and that kind of made them mad. What made them more mad is that they feel the guy I am with now forced me to move away with him. Which isn’t true even at all, but I can see where they are coming from. I never really ever discussed moving to the state I am in now, and to them it was super random. To my whole family it was super random, and of course it happened while I am with my boyfriend, so in their minds they see me as being dragged away. When in reality, him and I discussed it just fine, made plans and had everything set out for ourselves that we didn’t view it as a problem. This place is also not particularly my most favorite place to live, and I don’t plan on living here forever, so that probably doesn’t help either since I am not head over heels in love with this new state I live in. The thing that angers me the most though, is I have been with my boyfriend for three years now, and still going, and we’ve actually made it quite far and are doing quite well for ourselves, yet my siblings still seem to thing these awful things. Their boyfriends are perfect in their minds, and they both accept each others boyfriends, but when it comes to mine there always seem to be something wrong. It’s really irritating because I can try to explain to them my situation and how it’s unfair and that I obviously wasn’t forced to move anywhere. I won’t let anyone force me anywhere, or even to be with them if I didn’t want to be. That should be known by my past, especially by them, that I won’t stick with someone who makes me unhappy. I tried explaining and they just wouldn’t understand and of course at that time I was in an argument with my boyfriend as well so I had both sides gaining up on me it felt like. I told them though if this continues I will refuse to visit, because it’s unnecessary for them to continue to dislike someone who has done nothing wrong to them in the first place. They should be happy for me and accepting just like I am of their men, and their situation, if they can’t be then I guess they don’t want me in their life either. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon, at least I hope not, and he’s made it this far, so they need to start accepting him, or accepting the idea of me no longer in the picture.

Besides that situation though it was a very nice, and much-needed trip. I felt like I didn’t spend as much time on my mom’s side, but that might have been partly because she hurt her back and couldn’t do much. It also could have been that I had my step sisters wedding to go to that took up a whole day that should have been designated to my mom’s side as well. Oh well, each year I try to plan better than the last and I feel like it never works out. I guess I just have to keep trying. Seeing my father was awesome also, we saw lots of movies, and went out and played something called Top Golf. It was actually quite fun and I would totally do it again, even though I suck at golf. My step sisters wedding was beautiful and she was beautiful and I am extremely happy for her. They are lucky and are going on their honeymoon in New Zealand, oh man, someday I can’t wait to visit there. I plan to for sure, since my life dedication is going to be to traveling. There is so much to see and explore that I just am not ready to stay complacent. So now I am back to the grove of work, and unfortunately school is quickly approaching. I am not ready to go back to University, and I am not ready to work full-time and do school work constantly. Life goes away for another 4 months of just straight stress. Luckily though I have one more trip I am going to in about a month, and that is to Tokyo! Japan is a place I have always wanted to travel to, and I am finally actually making it happen. I am super excited and nervous at the same time. Mainly because of the language barrier, but that also makes it the reason it is so exciting. Getting lost sometimes can turn out to be an even greater adventure, other times it could just be a disaster. I am going to look at the positive side and just see it as an adventure no matter what, ha ha. I am attempting to learn the language though, and I am going to make sure I have some necessary phrases with me, and I am going to try to memorize and learn the hiragana and katakana. I don’t think I’ll have enough time for kanji, maybe a couple, but definitely not many. Either way, I am excited, and I am planning that now and getting my schooling in order as well. Summer has gone by way too quickly like I knew it would, just like this year has honestly, but it’s all an adventure.

So I will continue to try to be back to my normal writing and blogging, and thinking up stories. I may have a lot to do, but I also have a lot to talk about. We also got behind on our videos on You Tube so we have to do that also. We have the videos just need to edit and post them all up. Phew so much to do and there is so little time it feels like, but this honestly, just writing, helps keep me sane. So now I just need to continue focusing on writing and creating stories again. I have actually had some dreams and ideas of stories I have wanted to start, but I forget to write them down or even start writing right then to at least get it started. I feel like I have had writers block of creativity for 10 years now, and I guess I am having troubling coming up with things. If anyone has suggestions or ideas of how to get back started after not writing for a pretty long time, I would be super appreciative of any help! Otherwise I will just keep continuing to write, read, listen to music, draw, and try to come up with something. I am sure something will come out eventually, but until then it’s the small steps that count!

 

The Storm Inside

“What inside you is making such an impact?” She sit’s in silence as if she never heard a word come from my mouth. I try to ask something else.

“Why do you do these things to yourself?” Still nothing.

“What could be triggering these thoughts that progress? ” Her eyes shift in my direction, and I slightly move in excitement for a possible response. She sighs and moves her eyes back in the direction she was first facing. 

I take a deep breath and look in the opposite direction as her. I feel defeated and it can be heard in my breathing.

“I understand that, there is more than one answer to these questions, and I’m not looking for just response.” I spoke quietly, as if it was almost a whisper. “But at least any response is better than none.” I shift my eyes towards her to see if there is any type of reaction, and of course there was not. Now that I feel completely defeated, I look towards the ground. I stay quiet for a while, and just listen. I listen to the wind as it rustles the leaves on the tree’s. I hear her breathing mixed with mine, and I see the dirt on the ground swirling as the wind sends it to its next destination. I feel like I can almost hear our heart beats tune in sync with each other that’s how silent it is.

I finally hear an intake of breath, and I quickly lift my head up to see if there’s a response about to be said. She hasn’t even moved, so I continue to just sit and listen.

“There’s a storm inside.” She says. It was so soft, and so quiet that I swear it was just another gust of wind passing by. I look in her direction and she is finally looking at me. I look at her in question, begging her to continue.

She doesn’t. She just sits in silence, and I’m left in question. I guess I can take that as I want, and make some assumptions, but in reality, that answer was enough. That was probably the best answer that could be given from someone in her position. So I left it at that, and we continued in silence.