Being Together Tears Me The Most

The days we used to be together, were the days that were the best. The smiles, games, trips, friends, and parties that we used to share are now forever lost. The memories will continue to stay and sometimes that’s not always a good thing. They can bring a smile to my face, or a tear to my eye, and even though it’s something I should forget, it isn’t so easy. Remembering the good, and remember the bad, sometimes I get so happy and the rest I’ll get so mad. I feel I made the right decision, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true. There are a lot of unanswered questions that may never get answered, but I’ve got to keep going on. Waiting around is not my specialty, I always have to go. Sometimes I feel being together, is what tears me up the most. Being alone isn’t easy, but neither is being with someone as well. You have to pick your battles, and choose what is really worth it. Being together, or floating down your own path. Who knows what truths await?cherry-blossoms


*Stargazer*It’s been a minute

Oh man, sorry guys, it really has been a minute! I got back from my trip in Tokyo last Friday, and have been trying to settle back in with school, work, and life in general. I have been meaning to write, and now I finally have some time I think I will. The trip to Japan was amazing of course, and everything I had always hoped for plus more. It’s the trip I have always dreamed of doing, and never thought I actually would. It definitely wasn’t long enough, but that’s why we will definitely be going back. There are a lot of places I want to travel to, and I can’t to see all these new and wonderful places. The world is huge, so much bigger than we think, and there are so many different cultures to explore! It’s all really exciting when you think about it, and traveling has always been something I have wanted to do. I don’t want a typical life of working everyday and staying home and settling there is too much out there in the world to do that. So Japan was the first start of it, and that already made us want to just skip coming back home and make a life there. It really was fantastic, and even though we just saw Tokyo this time it was really amazing. It’s totally different there, and you never realize how different something is until you experience it. I am already excited to be able to go back and explore more of Japan. We stayed with AirBNB which was awesome, and our hosts were awesome and really helped make the experience even better. I would totally recommend using AirBNB to anyone who hasn’t yet and is traveling to other countries or areas. It really helps make you feel like you’re living there, and you really get the full experience instead of just a hotel. We did the typical tourist things, and there was a lot of walking. That’s basically all it was except for when we were on the train. I got a nice big blister on my pinky toe, but that didn’t stop me! There was also a lot of sweating from the humidity, and I am pretty sure I lost 20 pounds of body weight in sweat. It was so horrible, and after living in the desert for a couple of years now, you really start to notice the humidity more. I mean I was born and raised in humidity, always used to my hair frizzing and puffing, but now that I am used to it not doing that because it’s so dry, it was definitely another experience. I hate when my hair get frizzy and gross, that’s definitely one thing I don’t miss about the humidity. I also didn’t realize my hair was still capable of doing this because I am already used to the dry air where I live. I do miss though being able to breathe and not having to wake up to a stuffy nose every morning. When I am in a humid place I can breath through out the night, the morning and the day. When I am in a desert, I constantly have to blow my nose, use an inhaler, and barely can sleep because my nose is so stuffed. Anyways, we actually had really good sunny days also, a couple of rainy days that ended basically when we left to go explore the areas. So it ended up being pretty perfect, I just wish we had more time. Next time though for sure we will have more time, and it will be even better! I will show some pictures now!


See how awesome everything is! I took lots of pictures, and gained lots of memories, and this has me so ready to travel even more! This was my first big, out of country trip and it has already opened my eyes. I have gone to the Bahamas before, but this was nothing like that. Well that’s that for now, I have to go back to normal life until I travel again. Next trip will be back home, which isn’t a big trip, but that also depends. We are trying to save up for our big trips, and I am hoping to go to Ireland next! We have someone we work with who really wants to go to Ireland, and I think it would be cool to plan a travel trip together, so we will see! For now it is back to life, reality, and school and make sure I keep my grades up and pass all my classes. I got to sit down and focus more on my Japanese, especially since I don’t see it everyday or hear it everyday, so I have to work extra hard at it! So until next time!

Do apologies really make things better?

Sometimes an apology is what someone needs to be able to move on, and other times it just isn’t even worth it. Some people have a really hard time apologizing while others do it too frequently. Apologizing is a very interesting topic, because some people hate being apologized to, while others always expect it and get super offended when it doesn’t happen. I can say that when I was younger it was always really hard for me to apologize when I did something wrong because I just felt so shamed for it. It’s easier for me to do it now, because I realize the mistake and I want to try to make things better. I hate doing people wrong especially if it was a sincere accident, so I hate it when people can’t take apologizes either.

I kind of have a hard situation that I find myself in, because I had a bad relationship/marriage with someone, and it ended peacefully but not so peacefully. It’s hard to give everyone the full context unless I go into detail of everything, but honestly that’s way too long. To cut to the chase though, basically I have been sitting here for the years that have passed always wondering why, and always hoping for an apology. I’m wondering on my end also if maybe I need to apologize as well, it is a two-way street. We were both in the relationship, and even though it did become mentally and emotionally abusive, I am sure there were things I could have done better as well. I do feel though I deserve an apology, and just like I am not ready to apologize and honestly probably wont be until they apologize, I am wondering if it will even make a difference. Will it really make me feel better? Will it really allow me to finally forgive and forget? It sucks because I want to officially move on and stop thinking about past situations, but I find myself having difficulty with this because I never got any true answers. For example, why did things end the way they did? Why was I treated the way I was? Why wasn’t I good enough, and would I have ever really been? Even if I get these answers though, will they really make me feel fulfilled? I guess I won’t really know until it happens, IF it even happens, and then I wonder if it never happens, which I don’t think it will, will I ever move on fully? Do I have to be the bigger person and bring something up and start the conversation? I really don’t even want to see or talk to the person, and if I could move on and forget it would make me so happy. Maybe it wouldn’t make me happy though, it would probably honestly just make things easier.

I have a lot of questions that I want answered and part of me feels like it would really help me, but would it is another question. Everyone is different though, and everyone responds differently when it comes to having to apologize or being the one apologized to. This post actually comes up perfectly for me especially since recently I have been thinking about this a lot lately. There are times when it never crosses my mind and then there are times when that’s all it does. I am trying to find ways to help myself not think about it, but it’s always there in my subconscious. I don’t really know what to do and it really frustrates me, but I wonder if that what it’s like for people who know they need to apologize, but are having a hard time bringing themselves to do it? In the end right now I still end up with unanswered questions, and unanswered questions are hard for me because I always want the answer. I will continue to move forward though as I have been, and maybe someday, I will get an apology or I will just finally accept things the way the are. I am excited for that day, and I wish it could be now, but it’s all a matter of time. It’s unfortunately taking longer than I want it to, but not everything can go my way.

An apology can mean nothing and everything at the same time.


**Stargazer** Life Blog

So I’ve been trying to get into this a little bit more, and in the beginning I figured I would just write when I want. If I wanted to write two days in a row then I would, if I wanted to write once a month then I would. I was also just doing it, just to write and get it out there whether someone read it or not it didn’t really matter to me. I figured maybe eventually someone would read something or maybe no one ever would. I was just writing to write, and to help get my feelings off of my chest and onto something else. I still plan to do these things, as well as writing short stories and possibly longer stories as well. I want to share my travels, my struggles, my excitements, my interests, and of course random stories I’ve created. I was really worried at first the thought of other people actually reading my stuff, even if it was just random blogs about nothing. I normally wouldn’t even let my family read anything I’ve creatively written or even how I’m feeling or what I’m struggling with. I am not exactly sure when it started, but expressing myself became very hard for me. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about anything, and especially my family. Which is weird because I consider my family pretty close, and especially my siblings. My siblings became closer the older they got as well seeing as how there is a 5 to 6 year age gap between us. Even with them though sometimes because of the age gap I never really felt like they could understand certain feelings. I had friends also, but some of them had gone their separate ways or made new friends and I just didn’t feel as close and connected as I used to. Growing up is like that, where you just all grow apart and move on in life, and do your own things.

I think it all started with school in 4th grade when I had to move from my old school where I had all my friends to a new one where I couldn’t make any friends. I kind of became very socially awkward and I have always been very shy, but this enhanced it. I also was made fun of a lot for my hair and speech impediment, I mean most kids are usually bullied so it just kind of happens. Anyways making friends was always hard for me just because I was super shy and incredibly socially awkward. So I never really made new friends and I desperately wanted to go back to my old school where I actually felt comfortable. It also didn’t help that I had to be called out to go work on my speech impediment and a lot of kids didn’t find that “cool”. It also doesn’t help as well when you’re forced to read to accumulate so many points, and when you try to read certain things your teacher tells you that you are too stupid to read that book. I never had a lot of people believe in me, at least that’s what it felt like. Teachers never seemed to believe in me, my dad never thought I was using my full potential and on top of that didn’t live up to his expectations. I also had a teacher, while I was in high school, email my mother to ask me if I really wrote something for her class because it was too good to actually be mine. She thought my mother wrote it for me and that I had nothing to do with it. My mom was really upset when she got that email and sent her a lovely email back. She never really said anything else after that, but it was awkward. Since my parents are divorced and I lived with my mom primarily that’s who I am closest with, but because I was put down so much I never wanted to share the things I have created or express my feelings. My dad always wanted me to be something I just wasn’t my whole time growing up. I also got put down a lot about my weight from my own father, which I think makes it even worse. When I look back at those times, I wasn’t even considered heavy, and I was still put down for how I looked. I also got overlooked by most guys if I was ever with my friends. I was truly that one friend where the guys would come up to, and then ask about your best friend. It get’s annoying a lot of them time, and honestly half the time I would just tell them to talk to her themselves. That’s not what I am here for, for you to get with my friend or learn more about her through me, do it yourself.

When I was in High School is probably when I was my most creative. I would read and write all the time, I taught myself how to do HTML and was very interested in graphic design. I took classes in High School to learn graphic design and also a web design class as well. It was all very easy for me since I had so much time to just sit around and teach these things to myself. This is also back when all of this stuff was just starting to be come slightly popular. I also took a creative writing class as well when I realized how much I loved writing and wanted to be challenged. These were all things I wanted to continue with once I got out of High School, but of course life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. I have always hated school, because I feel like school is completely just based off of testing and I hate testing, I am really bad at testing. I am much better at showing you and proving you hands on the I know how to do something, than you quizzing me on it. After high school though I really didn’t want to continue school because the College I was going to ended up just being another high school. I also was dating a guy who had joined the military and the more I talked to him about the military the more I thought it was for me, so I joined as well. So I went to basic training and to my AIT (Advanced Individual Training) school and it was a great experience and I would totally do it again if it only lasted for the 6 months and didn’t have to stay in the military. While I was in training my boyfriend got deployed to Afghanistan and it honestly helped take my mind off of his being gone. It was hard sitting around back home always constantly missing and wanting to be with the person you cared for, because that’s all you would think about. Unfortunately after coming home from training things started to go downhill. I got married like the stupid young person I was, while even having multiple signs before hand of a very not healthy relationship. It got worse as he came back from deployment and became more and more abusive. I tried to go back to school for something completely different from graphic design or any creative thing I had wanted before. I tried to go back for Veterinary Technician, and that didn’t work out because my relationship was falling apart. I really think this relationship is what ruined me the most, because after you’ve been told pretty much your whole life you’re not smart, pretty, or what someone wanted you to be, you kind of start to believe it. Especially when the person who is supposed to love you and always be there for you says the exact same things to you as well. You really start to feel as worthless as these people say you are. You kind of start to lose feeling, and emotions and happiness all together, and you just kind of want to crumble. I started to realize that I shouldn’t be treated this way, and I don’t want to be treated this way, and luckily I had a supporting family that I lived close to still who could help me get out of this. I decided enough was enough and told him I wanted a divorce and I couldn’t keep feeling like crap. There’s a lot more details into this of course, and it felt like it almost came to a mutual end except for the parts where he refused to show up to court to sign the papers to finalize everything. It also doesn’t help when this person tells everyone how happy they are you are out of their life because you got “fat”. Anyways, being away from that and out of that I slipped into a good depression and didn’t work or go to school for almost two years.

Luckily during those two years I was with family, and I still had a semi support system and wasn’t completely alone. I lost a ton of weight, not by choice, and slowly started to get myself back up onto my feet. I finally found a job and was starting to become happy again, found motivation, and started being alright with the fact that I didn’t have or need a guy in my life. I later found a great guy, who ended up being one of my co workers, and still to this day three years later are together. I am still not completely where I want to be in my life, and of course I am much older now so I feel even more down with the fact I am not where I want to be. It’s a lot of improvement though because I moved out-of-state, and I am making it on my own completely and that’s a huge step for me. This is why I started a blog though, and I am starting up hobbies I have always loved. I even made a YouTube channel with my significant other because we wanted to share our experiences of where we live with the world. I know everyone now days seems to have a YouTube channel, and I am ok with that because I watch a lot of people’s channels as well. I don’t care about it becoming popular, or how many viewers or subscribers I have because I am just doing what I love. Same with blogging for the most part, I do want people to see my stuff and I do want people to enjoy what I write. I also want feed back and criticism, and I kind of want to know what type of things people want to read about. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I have always wanted to write a book of some sort. So I am in a way starting over again, and I am getting back into my creative side. I am trying to get back into writing and slowly coming up with things to write about. Even if it is just blogs for now, I will hopefully start having more stories whether they be short, or turn into novels. As long as I have started, no matter how small it might be, at least I am doing it.

I have gotten myself up, and dusted myself up, and am trying to make myself happy again, and trying to achieve what I have always wanted to achieve. I am actually publishing things and having other people read them and not holding back. It may take a while, but I am tired of constantly looking back and saying, “I wish I would have continued doing that, I would probably be where I want to be today if I hadn’t stopped.” No more regrets for me, and technically I shouldn’t have regrets because everything that has happened to me, has shaped me to be who I am today, and who I will become in the future. So here’s to the future, and here’s to the now! Never stop doing what you love, and if you do stop, don’t think you can’t start back up again because you can, and I am here to prove that you can.

Troubled Days

I find it hard to write sometimes, and especially during times when all of this stuff is going down. It’s hard to think of things to write, when you are just so disappointed in the world. Honestly though, sometimes that is the best times to write, because not only are you yourself going off into imagination land, but you can help someone else go there as well. It’s been hard in general to write just because I feel like I don’t know what to talk about, or too busy in a sense. I am supposed to continuously write so I can get my creative bone going, but it feels more like a struggle than anything else. I remember when writing used to be easy, and I would just think of things and they would flow so easily and freely. I also had a lot more time on my hands of course, but I also find myself doing this. Where I like to think and remind myself about the past and how things used to be instead of right now. Probably because I feel those times were much easier, and there are some things I regret. Even though you shouldn’t really regret anything, but most of my regrets follow with continuing my creativity. I should have would have done this, and if I had I would be here today, and so on and so on. Which isn’t even necessarily true, I had no idea what the future holds for me and I definitely didn’t know then either. So even though I like to think that things could have been way different if only I would have done this, that doesn’t necessarily make that the case. Basically I just need to get out of this funk that I am in, so I can continue on with my life and stop feeling so down. I just got myself stuck where I don’t feel like I am actually accomplishing anything and nothing is going the way I want it to. Until I get myself out, I feel writing and doing most things is hard, I think a lot of it has to do with my job and a bunch of other things as well. I just feel like I never have time to do anything and on top of that I don’t have time anymore to explore the many wonders of life. Obviously these are all things I have total control over. Living the “American” dream is nothing that it should be, because I am a person that believes living life isn’t working your standard 40 hour a week or more and doing nothing but that. I like to explore and travel and actually live life, and I don’t want to do the normal get married and have kids. My experiences will come from adventure and travel because I don’t find the fun in sitting around working and having babies, that’s just not me. Unfortunately all I am doing is working and going to school because that’s where I put myself in life right now. We said that it would be the hardest two years of our life because we would be working full time and going to school full time which means no time for anything else. Once that’s all done though you can do whatever you want supposedly, but I am even confusing myself with the true degree I want to do. I think I am just constantly questioning and confusing myself because I am unhappy and I am trying to figure out what I can do to make myself happy again.

At least if I continue writing that should help, and I am also visiting family soon so that should help as well. I also have a trip to Japan coming up and that definitely will help, only thing that stinks about that is that means I will be in school, and I am so not ready for school to start up again. I am also having some writer’s block of what I should start a creative story on. Whether it be a short story, or a real long book or just a random paragraph. Kind of like what I have done before in my old Life Journal, here are some examples. Also I wrote these back when I was in High School so like 9 years ago, so just keep that in mind, ha-ha.

1)    The waves were crashing into each other roaring like a pack of Lions. The boat was being thrashed back and forth uncontrollably. It was too dark to see anything in the distant. The only thing you could possibly see was the water in front of you which was lite by the light of the moon. Thunder roared in the sky showing gods anger towards everyone. The lighting flashed making more light to see in front of me. Still nothing. I tried to control the boat and steer it into a different direction. Nothing was working. In a little boat like mine what was I supposed to do? Nothing. So I accepted what most likely going to happen. The boat was going to either crash into rocks and break, or it was going to be filled with too much water and sink. Either way I was going to end up into the water and eventually drown. So I slowly let go of the wheel and slowly walked backwards. I stared into the starry night closing my eyes. Feeling every raindrop caress my face as I slowly sat down. I opened my eyes back up and took one more glance at the moon and stars. My one last final glance of life. So I took in what I could before a giant wave came in and crashed down into my boat. I felt the hard water being thrown into my face. Pushing me down and off of the boat into the water. I put my hand out as if to grab onto something, but nothing was there. I looked up from under the water seeing the boat come crashing down right into my body. I got thrown down farther into the ocean feeling every inch of pain from the boat and water. The only thing I remember is a bright light being shined above before I completely blacked out.

2)    (This one was definitely just a spoof of randomness.)

One time I was walking down the city street. I was just walking until I saw a pretty Blue Balloon. Right when I saw that balloon I knew I had to have it. So I ran after it. It kept going higher and higher. So I would climb building stairs to try and get it. But I never did get the balloon it was gone before I could catch it. So I slowly climbed back down the stairs very upset that I couldn’t get my balloon. So there I was just walking in the cold, cold night with my hands in the pockets of my coat. Very upset and not noticing my surroundings, when someone ran into me. Making me fall onto the ground. I sat there for a second till I saw someone’s hand come out and reach for mine. I slowly looked up to see a rather tall man. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.” The man said. I slowly took his hand as he helped me up. “It’s ok.” I said staring at him. He was a very handsome man indeed. His deep ocean blue eyes and his brown hair that looked like he just got out of bed. “I’m Luke.” he said shaking my hand. “Krystyn.” I said shaking his hand in return. “I’m really sorry about running into you, but I got to go.” he said as he started to walk away. “Oh wait.” He said when he turned back around and walked to me again. He then handed me a blue balloon. I took the blue balloon and smiled up at him. “I saw you chasing after it a while ago and I got you another one.” he said smiling. “Thanks.” I said as I started to walk away. I came up to this little coffee house and walked in. I ordered my coffee and bagel and walked to a little chair and sat down. I picked up a book and started to read and enjoy the peace of the coffee house. A few hours passed and someone else walked in. I slowly looked up from my book to see the same man that had run into me. I followed him with my eyes as he walked to the counter. He ordered his food and when he was done he slowly turned around examining the coffee house. He noticed me sitting in my chair staring at him. He smiled a little before I quickly went back down to my book. I looked up one more time to see a smiling Luke sitting next to me. “Small world eh?” he said to me. I smiled and nodded to him. “Yup.” I said. We started to talk to each other more and more. Finally a few more hours had passed and the store was closing. We exchanged number and went to our homes. That same night he called me and asked me out on another “Outing.” Ever since then we had been talking and getting to know each other more and more. Growing to like each other every minute we were with each other. Finally a year had passed and we started dating. It has been three years now of us dating and every moment of it has been great. I will never forget the first time we met. When he gave me my Blue Balloon, I knew it was love at first sight.

So those were my two stories from back in my high school days, and they are just little ones that could be continued or not. That’s kind of what I mean though, just randomly having things like that, and I can do it again, I just need to take the time. I just need to go back to my creative mind and stop letting things hinder it so much. Unfortunately life hinders it a lot, which is why I embrace the idea of living off my own uncharted land. I’ll definitely have plenty of time then to figure myself out and write whatever I want. Anyways enough of the boohoo from me, I am trying and I will continue to try. Maybe next time I will actually have something that I have recently written. It has truly been a long time since I have written anything new. I am pretty positive the last things I had written that were truly just creative works of art were back in the good ole High School days. Oh there is one good thing that happened though! At least there is Pokémon Go that I have been playing and keeping myself entertained. Except when the servers are down which I feel is constantly right now. *sigh* Continuing on, I will keep my head up, and I will keep striding on. I will not give up, because giving up doesn’t ever solve anything. Once I really get back into gear with my creative side I think I will be happier and once things start going more the way I had hoped, that will help also. As always though, I will write again and I’ll try to challenge myself with coming up with some sort of short story, or an idea at least. I need to anyways not only for myself, but also for any animations for school. Thanks for reading, and I shall return!

Welcome Back!

Welcome back to myself! A long time ago I used to use blogs and I used to write in them and it was fun! I also had a Live Journal from my younger teenage years and I went back and read those lovely memories. I love writing, and I used to be good at it, as well as reading. I feel I have no time for these things anymore as I get older, but that’s not really the case. I have to make time for the things I love, and this is one of those things. I always go back to reminiscing in the past of High School, which I know “who does that, especially High School?” Well I do, and the main reason for it is because that’s when I was my most creative, and I miss my creativeness. I lost it along the way of life, nothing has gone as planned, but then again that’s what life is all about isn’t it? No reason to bother trying to plan it, because it isn’t always going to happen that way, but now that that is done and over with I can at least attempt to get back on track. I want to continue writing, whether it be just random blogs about my life and adventures or if I had some stories I made up as well. I took a creative writing class in High School, and I loved it. I saved my old writings I have and I need to look back at those for inspiration. This will be used as my own rants, my own personal stories, and my own adventures. I plan to start making videos as well with my boyfriend about our adventures of where we live now, and all the places we travel! I want to make this part of that and maybe eventually make our own personal blog together that connects to the videos. I’ve got things planned it’s just a matter of putting them into action and actually doing them! This is the first step, start writing no matter what it is about. I also finally went back to College to finish my Bachelors in Animation. Doesn’t mean I am necessarily going to get into animation, but I have always had a passion for Web Design/Animation. I always wanted to create stories to be published into books or even, if I could draw, make them into manga’s or anime’s. I had plans to be the writer while someone else draws out the characters or comic. All still possible, just got to start writing something and see where it goes, I also would of course attempt in drawing my idea of characters, and they just wouldn’t be very good. Anyways, after a few setbacks in life I am finally starting to head in a good direction and hopefully it stays that way and improves. I got out of my home town and am living in a whole new area making something of myself. I am still not completely where I want to be, but I am hoping after I accomplish my degree I will be a little closer to that goal. My goal of wanting to travel the world, and experience life. There’s so much out there to see, do, eat, and explore. I don’t want to be stationary, and I never have, and I never hope to be. Maybe at some point in my life there will be a time to settle down, but even then I won’t be completely settled down. I’ll also have had seen the world and experienced many things to finally be content and to feel whole. My job currently doesn’t offer much creativity and so I have been lacking it majorly, so doing this and going to school will hopefully get me back to my original state of mind. So for now this is my welcome back, and I have set goals for myself, and I will be posting more regularly. I will start being more creative and again taking more steps forward.