It Takes A lot of Courage

Trust takes a lot of courage, and a lot of time. It’s something that seems so easy when we are young, but even at a young age it can be broken so quickly. It is something that has to be earned, and something that is hard to come by. I don’t know if anyone can fuller trust someone, especially at the beginning, because we always think there is some sort of motive behind everyone’s intentions. Which is pretty true, everyone does have a motive when first meeting someone, it’s just a matter of what kind of motive they have. I don’t think people purposely go into others lives hoping to hurt that person, but then again  I guess you can be surprised. I think hearing the words, “I trust you,” are so huge, and something a lot of people need to hear. They can also be very dangerous words as well. When you think of trust you can think of it positively or negatively, and that’s the scariest thing of all. It’s not always the other people you have to worry about when it comes to trust. You have to be able to trust yourself as well. It may seem impossible, but a lot of the time you break your own trust through life. If you can’t even trust yourself, who can you trust, and that’s a big question to ask.

Do apologies really make things better?

Sometimes an apology is what someone needs to be able to move on, and other times it just isn’t even worth it. Some people have a really hard time apologizing while others do it too frequently. Apologizing is a very interesting topic, because some people hate being apologized to, while others always expect it and get super offended when it doesn’t happen. I can say that when I was younger it was always really hard for me to apologize when I did something wrong because I just felt so shamed for it. It’s easier for me to do it now, because I realize the mistake and I want to try to make things better. I hate doing people wrong especially if it was a sincere accident, so I hate it when people can’t take apologizes either.

I kind of have a hard situation that I find myself in, because I had a bad relationship/marriage with someone, and it ended peacefully but not so peacefully. It’s hard to give everyone the full context unless I go into detail of everything, but honestly that’s way too long. To cut to the chase though, basically I have been sitting here for the years that have passed always wondering why, and always hoping for an apology. I’m wondering on my end also if maybe I need to apologize as well, it is a two-way street. We were both in the relationship, and even though it did become mentally and emotionally abusive, I am sure there were things I could have done better as well. I do feel though I deserve an apology, and just like I am not ready to apologize and honestly probably wont be until they apologize, I am wondering if it will even make a difference. Will it really make me feel better? Will it really allow me to finally forgive and forget? It sucks because I want to officially move on and stop thinking about past situations, but I find myself having difficulty with this because I never got any true answers. For example, why did things end the way they did? Why was I treated the way I was? Why wasn’t I good enough, and would I have ever really been? Even if I get these answers though, will they really make me feel fulfilled? I guess I won’t really know until it happens, IF it even happens, and then I wonder if it never happens, which I don’t think it will, will I ever move on fully? Do I have to be the bigger person and bring something up and start the conversation? I really don’t even want to see or talk to the person, and if I could move on and forget it would make me so happy. Maybe it wouldn’t make me happy though, it would probably honestly just make things easier.

I have a lot of questions that I want answered and part of me feels like it would really help me, but would it is another question. Everyone is different though, and everyone responds differently when it comes to having to apologize or being the one apologized to. This post actually comes up perfectly for me especially since recently I have been thinking about this a lot lately. There are times when it never crosses my mind and then there are times when that’s all it does. I am trying to find ways to help myself not think about it, but it’s always there in my subconscious. I don’t really know what to do and it really frustrates me, but I wonder if that what it’s like for people who know they need to apologize, but are having a hard time bringing themselves to do it? In the end right now I still end up with unanswered questions, and unanswered questions are hard for me because I always want the answer. I will continue to move forward though as I have been, and maybe someday, I will get an apology or I will just finally accept things the way the are. I am excited for that day, and I wish it could be now, but it’s all a matter of time. It’s unfortunately taking longer than I want it to, but not everything can go my way.

An apology can mean nothing and everything at the same time.