It Takes A lot of Courage

Trust takes a lot of courage, and a lot of time. It’s something that seems so easy when we are young, but even at a young age it can be broken so quickly. It is something that has to be earned, and something that is hard to come by. I don’t know if anyone can fuller trust someone, especially at the beginning, because we always think there is some sort of motive behind everyone’s intentions. Which is pretty true, everyone does have a motive when first meeting someone, it’s just a matter of what kind of motive they have. I don’t think people purposely go into others lives hoping to hurt that person, but then again  I guess you can be surprised. I think hearing the words, “I trust you,” are so huge, and something a lot of people need to hear. They can also be very dangerous words as well. When you think of trust you can think of it positively or negatively, and that’s the scariest thing of all. It’s not always the other people you have to worry about when it comes to trust. You have to be able to trust yourself as well. It may seem impossible, but a lot of the time you break your own trust through life. If you can’t even trust yourself, who can you trust, and that’s a big question to ask.

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Everything Is Starting

Oh man guys, school is tomorrow, and I am just not ready for it. Summer always goes by way too quickly, and I always want to tell myself just take another semester off, but I can’t. Well at least I shouldn’t, I have taken way too many to begin with, hence why I am still trying to get my degree. Besides that though, I am just not ready to have to wake up early, and go to classes. I am not ready for all the homework and big projects. I also know I am taking classes that are going to be leaving me with a lot of projects and I am not excited about that. I am also taking a Japanese class for my language class, and I already know that is going to be so difficult. I did it to myself, but that’s a language I have always wanted to learn, so I know I will be more dedicated to it. I just am not sure how well I am going to do while also having to focus on other classes. I’m already looking forward to break and classes haven’t even started yet. Yea I know, pathetic, ha-ha. On a positive note though a week in a half and I am going on my trip to Tokyo! That is super awesome! I have been looking forward to this forever, and it is finally happening! I just hate that it has to be happening while I am in school so I could look forward to it more. I was so excited for this day to come, but not as excited because I knew that meant school was starting as well. But Japan is coming up, and I am super excited! I just need to get through this week and most of next and then I will be in another country! I am super excited to experience another culture, especially one I love so much, and just soak it all in. This is basically my first real overseas trip to another country and I couldn’t be more excited! Until then though I have been trying to get everything together for the trip and for school. Luckily school is basically done, it’s just a matter of attending class and getting the stupid small stuff I will need. Of course it all costs money and I always feel like there is more and more that needs to be bought. Once I get into the groove of school though I’ll be a little bit better. I am definitely going to miss my freedom, but as long as I get this degree done then I can have as much freedom as I want. Hopefully I finish it, ha-ha, I am usually pretty random and will make decisions based on where I am heading in my life. If I am heading in a good direction where not continuing my degree is possible then I will take that road, if not then I continue to stay here. I haven’t written too much in a while, and I haven’t been able to have very much creativity either. I do have some things typed out on my computer that I just need to continue. I’m trying to make more time for everything, and it definitely is true when people say there is just not enough time in the day. Maybe while I am doing my animation homework and projects I’ll have a huge creativity spark for a story of some sort. We will see! Anyways, I will try to continue to be one here and write even if it is something small, and wish me luck on my first day of classes tomorrow! Until next time!

*Stargazer* Vacation

So I haven’t posted anything in a while just because I had been busy getting stuff ready to go back and visit family. I was going to try to post something before I left and then while I was on vacation back home, but I got too busy and just didn’t end up doing it. I am back now though from visiting the good ol Illinois. Of course the first two days we are there it’s under heat advisory because the humidity is just horrible. It was so bad, and sleeping at night was even worse. We even went to Six Flags on Friday, and it was fun, and it wasn’t as bad as the day before, but it was still horrible. Sweating the whole time, and just sticky, it was so nice to take a shower. Six flags Great America was fun though for the most part before getting into an argument with my partner and siblings. It’s always great visiting family, and I love visiting my mom, dad, step parents, and grandma because they are adults and act like adults. My siblings on the other hand can be very dramatic and can cause problems for no reason. Besides that normally we get along just fine, and we have always been super close. Obviously we are each growing up and kind of going our own ways. I moved away though, and that kind of made them mad. What made them more mad is that they feel the guy I am with now forced me to move away with him. Which isn’t true even at all, but I can see where they are coming from. I never really ever discussed moving to the state I am in now, and to them it was super random. To my whole family it was super random, and of course it happened while I am with my boyfriend, so in their minds they see me as being dragged away. When in reality, him and I discussed it just fine, made plans and had everything set out for ourselves that we didn’t view it as a problem. This place is also not particularly my most favorite place to live, and I don’t plan on living here forever, so that probably doesn’t help either since I am not head over heels in love with this new state I live in. The thing that angers me the most though, is I have been with my boyfriend for three years now, and still going, and we’ve actually made it quite far and are doing quite well for ourselves, yet my siblings still seem to thing these awful things. Their boyfriends are perfect in their minds, and they both accept each others boyfriends, but when it comes to mine there always seem to be something wrong. It’s really irritating because I can try to explain to them my situation and how it’s unfair and that I obviously wasn’t forced to move anywhere. I won’t let anyone force me anywhere, or even to be with them if I didn’t want to be. That should be known by my past, especially by them, that I won’t stick with someone who makes me unhappy. I tried explaining and they just wouldn’t understand and of course at that time I was in an argument with my boyfriend as well so I had both sides gaining up on me it felt like. I told them though if this continues I will refuse to visit, because it’s unnecessary for them to continue to dislike someone who has done nothing wrong to them in the first place. They should be happy for me and accepting just like I am of their men, and their situation, if they can’t be then I guess they don’t want me in their life either. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon, at least I hope not, and he’s made it this far, so they need to start accepting him, or accepting the idea of me no longer in the picture.

Besides that situation though it was a very nice, and much-needed trip. I felt like I didn’t spend as much time on my mom’s side, but that might have been partly because she hurt her back and couldn’t do much. It also could have been that I had my step sisters wedding to go to that took up a whole day that should have been designated to my mom’s side as well. Oh well, each year I try to plan better than the last and I feel like it never works out. I guess I just have to keep trying. Seeing my father was awesome also, we saw lots of movies, and went out and played something called Top Golf. It was actually quite fun and I would totally do it again, even though I suck at golf. My step sisters wedding was beautiful and she was beautiful and I am extremely happy for her. They are lucky and are going on their honeymoon in New Zealand, oh man, someday I can’t wait to visit there. I plan to for sure, since my life dedication is going to be to traveling. There is so much to see and explore that I just am not ready to stay complacent. So now I am back to the grove of work, and unfortunately school is quickly approaching. I am not ready to go back to University, and I am not ready to work full-time and do school work constantly. Life goes away for another 4 months of just straight stress. Luckily though I have one more trip I am going to in about a month, and that is to Tokyo! Japan is a place I have always wanted to travel to, and I am finally actually making it happen. I am super excited and nervous at the same time. Mainly because of the language barrier, but that also makes it the reason it is so exciting. Getting lost sometimes can turn out to be an even greater adventure, other times it could just be a disaster. I am going to look at the positive side and just see it as an adventure no matter what, ha ha. I am attempting to learn the language though, and I am going to make sure I have some necessary phrases with me, and I am going to try to memorize and learn the hiragana and katakana. I don’t think I’ll have enough time for kanji, maybe a couple, but definitely not many. Either way, I am excited, and I am planning that now and getting my schooling in order as well. Summer has gone by way too quickly like I knew it would, just like this year has honestly, but it’s all an adventure.

So I will continue to try to be back to my normal writing and blogging, and thinking up stories. I may have a lot to do, but I also have a lot to talk about. We also got behind on our videos on You Tube so we have to do that also. We have the videos just need to edit and post them all up. Phew so much to do and there is so little time it feels like, but this honestly, just writing, helps keep me sane. So now I just need to continue focusing on writing and creating stories again. I have actually had some dreams and ideas of stories I have wanted to start, but I forget to write them down or even start writing right then to at least get it started. I feel like I have had writers block of creativity for 10 years now, and I guess I am having troubling coming up with things. If anyone has suggestions or ideas of how to get back started after not writing for a pretty long time, I would be super appreciative of any help! Otherwise I will just keep continuing to write, read, listen to music, draw, and try to come up with something. I am sure something will come out eventually, but until then it’s the small steps that count!

 

**Stargazer** Life Blog

So I’ve been trying to get into this a little bit more, and in the beginning I figured I would just write when I want. If I wanted to write two days in a row then I would, if I wanted to write once a month then I would. I was also just doing it, just to write and get it out there whether someone read it or not it didn’t really matter to me. I figured maybe eventually someone would read something or maybe no one ever would. I was just writing to write, and to help get my feelings off of my chest and onto something else. I still plan to do these things, as well as writing short stories and possibly longer stories as well. I want to share my travels, my struggles, my excitements, my interests, and of course random stories I’ve created. I was really worried at first the thought of other people actually reading my stuff, even if it was just random blogs about nothing. I normally wouldn’t even let my family read anything I’ve creatively written or even how I’m feeling or what I’m struggling with. I am not exactly sure when it started, but expressing myself became very hard for me. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about anything, and especially my family. Which is weird because I consider my family pretty close, and especially my siblings. My siblings became closer the older they got as well seeing as how there is a 5 to 6 year age gap between us. Even with them though sometimes because of the age gap I never really felt like they could understand certain feelings. I had friends also, but some of them had gone their separate ways or made new friends and I just didn’t feel as close and connected as I used to. Growing up is like that, where you just all grow apart and move on in life, and do your own things.

I think it all started with school in 4th grade when I had to move from my old school where I had all my friends to a new one where I couldn’t make any friends. I kind of became very socially awkward and I have always been very shy, but this enhanced it. I also was made fun of a lot for my hair and speech impediment, I mean most kids are usually bullied so it just kind of happens. Anyways making friends was always hard for me just because I was super shy and incredibly socially awkward. So I never really made new friends and I desperately wanted to go back to my old school where I actually felt comfortable. It also didn’t help that I had to be called out to go work on my speech impediment and a lot of kids didn’t find that “cool”. It also doesn’t help as well when you’re forced to read to accumulate so many points, and when you try to read certain things your teacher tells you that you are too stupid to read that book. I never had a lot of people believe in me, at least that’s what it felt like. Teachers never seemed to believe in me, my dad never thought I was using my full potential and on top of that didn’t live up to his expectations. I also had a teacher, while I was in high school, email my mother to ask me if I really wrote something for her class because it was too good to actually be mine. She thought my mother wrote it for me and that I had nothing to do with it. My mom was really upset when she got that email and sent her a lovely email back. She never really said anything else after that, but it was awkward. Since my parents are divorced and I lived with my mom primarily that’s who I am closest with, but because I was put down so much I never wanted to share the things I have created or express my feelings. My dad always wanted me to be something I just wasn’t my whole time growing up. I also got put down a lot about my weight from my own father, which I think makes it even worse. When I look back at those times, I wasn’t even considered heavy, and I was still put down for how I looked. I also got overlooked by most guys if I was ever with my friends. I was truly that one friend where the guys would come up to, and then ask about your best friend. It get’s annoying a lot of them time, and honestly half the time I would just tell them to talk to her themselves. That’s not what I am here for, for you to get with my friend or learn more about her through me, do it yourself.

When I was in High School is probably when I was my most creative. I would read and write all the time, I taught myself how to do HTML and was very interested in graphic design. I took classes in High School to learn graphic design and also a web design class as well. It was all very easy for me since I had so much time to just sit around and teach these things to myself. This is also back when all of this stuff was just starting to be come slightly popular. I also took a creative writing class as well when I realized how much I loved writing and wanted to be challenged. These were all things I wanted to continue with once I got out of High School, but of course life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. I have always hated school, because I feel like school is completely just based off of testing and I hate testing, I am really bad at testing. I am much better at showing you and proving you hands on the I know how to do something, than you quizzing me on it. After high school though I really didn’t want to continue school because the College I was going to ended up just being another high school. I also was dating a guy who had joined the military and the more I talked to him about the military the more I thought it was for me, so I joined as well. So I went to basic training and to my AIT (Advanced Individual Training) school and it was a great experience and I would totally do it again if it only lasted for the 6 months and didn’t have to stay in the military. While I was in training my boyfriend got deployed to Afghanistan and it honestly helped take my mind off of his being gone. It was hard sitting around back home always constantly missing and wanting to be with the person you cared for, because that’s all you would think about. Unfortunately after coming home from training things started to go downhill. I got married like the stupid young person I was, while even having multiple signs before hand of a very not healthy relationship. It got worse as he came back from deployment and became more and more abusive. I tried to go back to school for something completely different from graphic design or any creative thing I had wanted before. I tried to go back for Veterinary Technician, and that didn’t work out because my relationship was falling apart. I really think this relationship is what ruined me the most, because after you’ve been told pretty much your whole life you’re not smart, pretty, or what someone wanted you to be, you kind of start to believe it. Especially when the person who is supposed to love you and always be there for you says the exact same things to you as well. You really start to feel as worthless as these people say you are. You kind of start to lose feeling, and emotions and happiness all together, and you just kind of want to crumble. I started to realize that I shouldn’t be treated this way, and I don’t want to be treated this way, and luckily I had a supporting family that I lived close to still who could help me get out of this. I decided enough was enough and told him I wanted a divorce and I couldn’t keep feeling like crap. There’s a lot more details into this of course, and it felt like it almost came to a mutual end except for the parts where he refused to show up to court to sign the papers to finalize everything. It also doesn’t help when this person tells everyone how happy they are you are out of their life because you got “fat”. Anyways, being away from that and out of that I slipped into a good depression and didn’t work or go to school for almost two years.

Luckily during those two years I was with family, and I still had a semi support system and wasn’t completely alone. I lost a ton of weight, not by choice, and slowly started to get myself back up onto my feet. I finally found a job and was starting to become happy again, found motivation, and started being alright with the fact that I didn’t have or need a guy in my life. I later found a great guy, who ended up being one of my co workers, and still to this day three years later are together. I am still not completely where I want to be in my life, and of course I am much older now so I feel even more down with the fact I am not where I want to be. It’s a lot of improvement though because I moved out-of-state, and I am making it on my own completely and that’s a huge step for me. This is why I started a blog though, and I am starting up hobbies I have always loved. I even made a YouTube channel with my significant other because we wanted to share our experiences of where we live with the world. I know everyone now days seems to have a YouTube channel, and I am ok with that because I watch a lot of people’s channels as well. I don’t care about it becoming popular, or how many viewers or subscribers I have because I am just doing what I love. Same with blogging for the most part, I do want people to see my stuff and I do want people to enjoy what I write. I also want feed back and criticism, and I kind of want to know what type of things people want to read about. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I have always wanted to write a book of some sort. So I am in a way starting over again, and I am getting back into my creative side. I am trying to get back into writing and slowly coming up with things to write about. Even if it is just blogs for now, I will hopefully start having more stories whether they be short, or turn into novels. As long as I have started, no matter how small it might be, at least I am doing it.

I have gotten myself up, and dusted myself up, and am trying to make myself happy again, and trying to achieve what I have always wanted to achieve. I am actually publishing things and having other people read them and not holding back. It may take a while, but I am tired of constantly looking back and saying, “I wish I would have continued doing that, I would probably be where I want to be today if I hadn’t stopped.” No more regrets for me, and technically I shouldn’t have regrets because everything that has happened to me, has shaped me to be who I am today, and who I will become in the future. So here’s to the future, and here’s to the now! Never stop doing what you love, and if you do stop, don’t think you can’t start back up again because you can, and I am here to prove that you can.

Be My Guest

Guests can sometimes be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the situation and who is the guest. Sometimes people are really excited to have guests, while others not so much. Many people purposefully go out of their way to avoid having planned guests or even sudden guests. Other embrace guests with wide open arms and wants to have as many guests as possible and have them as often as possible. I can kind of lean on the teeter where sometimes I want guest’s and other times not so much. I do like when family and friends visit, and other times I am like, “Eh, not today.” If I am doing too much stuff all the time, the last thing on my mind is having someone over. Other times if I have been disinterested to long or haven’t seen someone in a while I will definitely welcome guests. It’s weird though because sometimes even though you may not want guest’s or certain guests to visit, sometimes you need those guests to visit. It becomes very apparent during and after the visit how important this guest may have been.

One thing that is interesting to me is the fact that, even though we may not want guests of our own, we are constant guests. Guests to this world and earth that come and go. No one knows for how long they stay, some short and some long. We hopefully try to make the most of it while we stay on this land, but to me it seems not everyone gets that chance. This is where the unfortunate guest’s come into play, where you have the one’s you want, and the one’s you don’t. We are all forced to be here, and it could be something wonderful or it could be something absolutely horrible. It’s all in how we see it, and how make things work. Some people are dealt hands that just can’t be worked with, while others are dealt the best of the best. Again though, it is all about how we perceive things, and I know there are times when I perceive things horribly.  I also have moments where things are going in my favor and therefore am having the best time ever. We can all have great lives and we can all be great guests, we just have to find what makes us happy, and what makes it worth it.

As I walk down the long road ahead, it’s clear to me how dark it really is. No sound, no sight, no feeling. It all seems very strange, and yet all so clear. When no one and nothing is around, it seems easier to deal with things that have troubled you, but it also seems very scary. Sometimes isolation can make things so clear to oneself, and other times it can make things worse and appear terrifying. As I continue to walk I start to hear the crunch of leaves that scatter across the ground. I hear the wind whistle through the tree’s and the sound of animals rustling around. I look up at the clear black sky that shows nothing but blinking lights that slowly guide me to where I need to be. I look all around me and at first it seems black, but I slowly start to see, one by one, eyes that glow staring back at me. I start to realize of course I’m not alone, I am in someone else’s territory. This should have been so clear before, but I was so blinded by my own problems, that I never realized what else was out there, besides myself. I stopped walking and stared up at the sky again, and took a deep breath. I let out a sigh of relief, and because of the cold brisk air, I could see that sigh being released from my mouth. “So this is what it’s like to be a guest in a place you don’t belong.”

Welcome Back!

Welcome back to myself! A long time ago I used to use blogs and I used to write in them and it was fun! I also had a Live Journal from my younger teenage years and I went back and read those lovely memories. I love writing, and I used to be good at it, as well as reading. I feel I have no time for these things anymore as I get older, but that’s not really the case. I have to make time for the things I love, and this is one of those things. I always go back to reminiscing in the past of High School, which I know “who does that, especially High School?” Well I do, and the main reason for it is because that’s when I was my most creative, and I miss my creativeness. I lost it along the way of life, nothing has gone as planned, but then again that’s what life is all about isn’t it? No reason to bother trying to plan it, because it isn’t always going to happen that way, but now that that is done and over with I can at least attempt to get back on track. I want to continue writing, whether it be just random blogs about my life and adventures or if I had some stories I made up as well. I took a creative writing class in High School, and I loved it. I saved my old writings I have and I need to look back at those for inspiration. This will be used as my own rants, my own personal stories, and my own adventures. I plan to start making videos as well with my boyfriend about our adventures of where we live now, and all the places we travel! I want to make this part of that and maybe eventually make our own personal blog together that connects to the videos. I’ve got things planned it’s just a matter of putting them into action and actually doing them! This is the first step, start writing no matter what it is about. I also finally went back to College to finish my Bachelors in Animation. Doesn’t mean I am necessarily going to get into animation, but I have always had a passion for Web Design/Animation. I always wanted to create stories to be published into books or even, if I could draw, make them into manga’s or anime’s. I had plans to be the writer while someone else draws out the characters or comic. All still possible, just got to start writing something and see where it goes, I also would of course attempt in drawing my idea of characters, and they just wouldn’t be very good. Anyways, after a few setbacks in life I am finally starting to head in a good direction and hopefully it stays that way and improves. I got out of my home town and am living in a whole new area making something of myself. I am still not completely where I want to be, but I am hoping after I accomplish my degree I will be a little closer to that goal. My goal of wanting to travel the world, and experience life. There’s so much out there to see, do, eat, and explore. I don’t want to be stationary, and I never have, and I never hope to be. Maybe at some point in my life there will be a time to settle down, but even then I won’t be completely settled down. I’ll also have had seen the world and experienced many things to finally be content and to feel whole. My job currently doesn’t offer much creativity and so I have been lacking it majorly, so doing this and going to school will hopefully get me back to my original state of mind. So for now this is my welcome back, and I have set goals for myself, and I will be posting more regularly. I will start being more creative and again taking more steps forward.